Congrats to Shanay and Meka!

Why am I congratulating these two? Well because as of last Friday these two love birds got engaged!

And I couldn't be happier! I believe that I'm more excited about it then Shanay is, considering I told just about everyone. If I wasn't at work, tears would had fallen...I kid you not. Hearing about an engagement makes my heart feel at ease. Why? Because it means that love still does exists. That people still believe in spending the rest of their lives with that one person. That they cherish their significant other and appreciate what they have build together and willing to build some more. That there someone for everyone.

Sounds like a fairy tale huh?

I'm not naive. I know to get where they are now, they had to go through their ups and downs, just like every couple. Some ups are awesome and you feel like you're on cloud 9 and the downs can be so extreme that it makes you want to kill yourself.

But what is important to me is that the ups ALWAYS outweigh the downs and that there is more good times, then there is bad. That you're working to keep you two together because you both want it!

You've built a foundation so strong that only the two of you can destroy it.....together.

I can get into a lot more but I won't because then it won't be about Shanay and Meka anymore, it'll be more about my feelings towards my darling. I'm not too sure you guys are ready for that just yet. lol.

So again congrats guys! Nay you're winning at this game called life!

We need this. Our family need this. '09 has definitely been a tough year for us, we need hope.

Thank you guys for giving us that.

Thank you guys for making me believe again.

I wish you two nothing but the best.

Home is where the heart isn't.

Ever since I was born I had to share a room with someone. At one point we were even sharing beds. Hey, what can I say? Times were rough.

But at this point, I can finally admit that I am tired of sharing.

I'm tired of being interrupted every time I'm in the bathroom. I'm tired of my bedroom door being banged on when it's closed. I'm tired of my personal things being taken without my permission. I'm tired of the other side of the room looking like a complete mess. I'm tired of having to hide my food. I'm tired of having to clean my dishes and everyone else's too.

I want to be able to get on my computer and watch tv at the same time. I want to be able to blast my music as loud as I want. I want to be able to put my food down for a couple of minutes and it remains there the next day. I want to be able to take a 2 hour shower without anyone banging on the door, rushing me to hurry up. Most importantly I want to achieve complete silence. I often need that peace in my mind for a couple of hours. Unfortunately that is difficult when you're living with 6 other people.

As of late, I've been noticing how limited my privacy is. Actually I've been noticing how limited everyone in this house privacy is.

The thing is, I don't think it bothers them as much as it bothers me.

I try not to complain about my living situation because my grandparents has done a lot for us. Putting this amazing roof over our head is one but I am getting older. I am becoming my own person. I am growing. I need room to grow. I need space to progress.

Unfortunately this household is no longer giving me the nourishment's. I might as well be a plant in a closet.

...yeah you see where I'm going with this.

At times it feels like I'm only here to rest my head then I'm up and out the next morning.

It's gotten so bad that my bed doesn't feel the same anymore.

These walls. Well these wall were my best friends. I would often cry to these walls. Punch these walls to release all my frustration. All my built up anger would reflect on these walls. Lately, as I touch them I quickly pull away. Their so cold.

My walls doesn't feel the same anymore.

My home doesn't feel the same anymore.

My heart isn't here anymore.

But like I stated a week or so in my blog, I can't sit here and complain about my living situation. I am my own person. I know what is best for me. My mistakes will be my own fault and I will celebrate my own accomplishments.

I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I thought when death occurs, it is suppose to make you feel closer to the people around you. Death happened and I never felt so disconnected from the people around me. I honestly don't understand why I'm feeling the way I am.

Yes he was my uncle but I wasn't close to him.

He was married into the family.

And to be completely honest, not too many people took a liken to him.

But for some reason his death is bothering me and I wish I can pin point exactly why. I'm annoyed at everyone, I even snapped at a couple of people today...though I do feel like someone has to tell them about themselves, it wasn't the right time especially since we had company over but it is all build up frustration and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Besides, if people feel like they can talk to you however they want to, especially in front of company I think that it is only right that you let them know, don't let your ego get the best of you. You're not going to talk to me however you want to.

I'm always polite to people. Always. I rarely tell people to shut up and mean it. I don't boss people around. I believe I deserve that respect. Talk to me. Don't yell at me. I'm not your kid. I'm not mommy. I'm not going to put up with your bullshit. I don't feel sorry for you. You can cry a river about all the problems you're having but you're not doing anything about it, you won't get any pity from me.

Stop thinking people owe you anything. They don't owe you a damn thing especially if you're not doing anything to deserve it. You're not a little boy anymore. Grow the fuck up. If you do not like your living situation then do something about it. Make plans to go away to college, look for an apartment, save for an apartment. If you hate that you don't have a room of your own then do some thing about it. Stop sitting here bitching and moaning and feeling sorry for yourself. Stop trying to make your problem everyone's problem.

FUCK!

I'm so upset and I'm not sure why I'm letting this get to me. I'm stuck.

I'm stuck between taking care of myself and taking care of my family.

inspiration needed.

Lately I haven't been inspired to do anything. I haven't been taking pictures, I haven't been looking up schools to attend this fall, I haven't been careful my money, I haven't been going over my music, my days off consist of lying in bed all day with my laptop in front of me and  looking up gossip blogs about celebrities. My last 2 posts proves this. The last book I read was "flowers in the attic", I have no money saved and I definitely haven't been enthusiastic about going to work. I've been extremely lazy and easily distracted. I wish I could identify what's causing me to feel this way but my mind is a total blank and if I can't identify the cause then how am I ever going to fix it or prevent it from happening again?

Maybe I'm thinking way too hard about this. I'm probably feeling this way because my period is coming, lol. Or maybe HE has me so distracted that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Or it could be that I am recovering from this disgusting cold or the lack of vitamin's I have been consuming. Who knows. All I know is that I am need of inspiration and I'm not too sure where I should look to seek it. Help me damnit!!

On another note my mother is back! Usually around this time each year herself, her best friend (whom is my aunt) and my biological grandfather take a trip down south. I'm not too sure where they go exactly or what they do but when she leaves we sure as hell miss her. The house isn't the same without her. No cooked meals, no one is really home, kitchen stays a fucking mess, people usually runs out of money and there is usually a fight within a few of the family members. Most recent, my grandfather and his two daughters. Yes you heard right! My brother, nor I or my sister indulged in a fight this weekend while my mom was away! Shocked!? Yes, I am too. I'm not even going to get into what the fight was about. Matter of fact, I will. Money, money, money!!! My grandfather money goes missing and think it's my aunt who stole it. He goes and tell his oldest daughter in confidence about the situation and what does this conniving lady do? Tell her!!! So of course my aunt goes off on my grandfather, talking about she doesn't need to steal anything from him.....blah, blah, blah...this, that and the third. From my understanding he doesn't say much when she goes off. In his mind she stole the money and nothing she say is going to change his mind. Later that night I go into his bedroom and give him a couple of dollars so that he can get to work the next day, he thanks me and then explains the situation. I can't help but notice how sad he looks. He doesn't look like he wants to fuck up the world but more disappointed than anything. So messed up. I have my personal opinion about the whole situation but I won't express it just yet. What I have openly expressed though is the disappointment in aunt mickey and the fact that she would do such a thing knowing it is going to cause more harm than good. I seriously want to understand what was going through her head when she felt the need to tell her sister that. She knew the outcome couldn't be a good one and she knew that someone would get hurt by it. What I want to understand is which one of them was she trying to hurt? I'm so glad that my grandfather stayed cool through the whole situation when she was breaking down because believe me knowing how hot headed he is, it could've been a lot worse. 

The drama never ends. I need to escape this. 

 

I love you mommy

I'm the worse daughter right now. I didn't get my mother anything for mother's day nor have I taken her out. Working and hanging out has left me with little to no time with my mom. Man, I feel so bad right now. 

Words can not describe how much I love and appreciate that woman and it's sad that even on mother's day I fail at showing her. 

Blah. I suck at life.

And sorry for the lack of post, especially with the quotes. I haven't really been home all weekend and now I'm lying in bed trying to make my headache go away when I really should be up and cleaning. Man, tuesday can not come fast enough. 

I'll be back later. 

Life Is A Drag

My current facebook status is "It's way too many people here on my day off.", expressing my frustration with being surrounded about people even if these people are my family members. I can't think clearly because they're loud voices are blocking the process. I'm around people 5 days a week, I look forward to my 2 days off where I can isolate myself from humans altogether and be by myself and think in peace, especially since I feel I've been disconnected from life lately. I can thank that to a certain someone who has been occupying my thoughts. 

Speaking of that certain someone, I've decided to finally talk about him on my blog that is. Since I don't trust anyone else to explain my situation to without having to hear their advice or their comments, I'm going to let it all out on my blog. It's not as if I don't have people I can talk to but all I want to do is talk while they listen. Just listen to what I have to say...help me get my frustration out and hopefully I can put everything in perspective on my own. Unfortunately that is impossible now and days because everyone wants their voices to be heard. Make them feel significant in one way or another, I guess.

I won't talk about him now because I'll probably get so wrapped up in the post and before I know it, it's 3:00pm and I have to get ready for my lesson. Expect the post when I get home though.

Alright, I'm out for a couple of hours. I should be studying these notes before I actually go to class, don't want the teacher to think I'm a slacker, though I have a legit reason why I haven't been studying. I work 50 hours a week and my mom stole my book, lol. Excuses already, I know. 

Also I'm going to repost the quote from last night because I think it speak the truth. 

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself"

Think about it. 

Thank You God

Once again I have been struck with reality. At work, trying to finish payroll up my manager casually comes up to me and asks if I can find an employee's number since my sister wasn't coming in due to a car accident. My first reaction was "WHAT!?", i can feel my eyes popping out of my eyes. He informed me that she was okay but of course I didn't believe him. Besides he's new, what the fuck does he know about my sister. Even if there is no scratches on her, I know she's hurt emotionally. I grab my phone and the first person i call is my mother. After speaking to her, I come to the conclusion that she doesn't know much about the situation. At this point I'm not sure as to what I should do. Continue to work and wait until I hear from her or leave the building. I couldn't go back to work though, the thought of my sister being hurt bothered me too much. I wouldn't be able to focus. I walk over to the general manager, who has a lot more sense than the new manager and let her know that I was going to leave. Before I could even finish my sentence she tells me to go. Oh how i love this lady. I ran to the back, call a cab and grab my things, heading towards the doors. My employee noticed that I was leaving in such a rush and asked me what was going on, I told them that my sister just got into a car accident. They pretty much freak out as much as I did when I heard the news. I told them that i will inform them once I know where she is and if she was alright. I walk out, the light rain drizzle hitting my face I stand in front of my job waiting for a cab. I then look over my shoulder and notices a familiar face. It's Meagan, the girl who works upstairs. She telling me to relax and try to see if i can get in contact with my sister. I do. It goes to voicemail. I'm freaking out even more while she is telling me to breath through my mouth out through my nose. I do while dialing the number again. Voicemail. At this moment all I can think about is her being in the ambulance alone, shaken up, frighten. Meagan is talking to me, trying to get me to relax. I can't. All these horrible thoughts are racing through my mind every fucking second. I can't focus. Until I hear my phone go off and see her name. I pick up the phone, she speaks her voice cracking. I sigh of relief but still very wary about her condition. I must have asked her if she is okay about 5 times before I let her complete her sentence. I told her that I was in front of the job waiting for the cab, I asked her where does she wants me to meet her. She tells me she is in the tow truck and gives me the address. I'm already at ease once I here that she is in a tow truck rather than a ambulance. She gives me the address and I tell her that I'll meet her there.

I pull up in front of the building to where she is standing, her arms are folded, her hood is on while the rain keeps coming down. At first I thought she was going to hop in the cab with me so I can take her home but she told me that her boyfriend was coming to get us. I pay my cab driver, thank him and jump out. There is where I see the little white Nissan, once called her "little white bitch" completely smashed! From the back to the front. Then I look over at my sister, no scar, no neck brace, completely unharmed. I can't help but thank god. I didn't even want to ask what happened, I don't like picturing my strong older sister defenseless, helpless. Just the thought of it makes me stomach hurt. A couple of minutes pass by and her boyfriend pulls out. He hops out of his car and walks over to her. They embrace in a small hug before she begins to apologize. He tells her not to worry about it, as long as she was alright. And again, thank god that she was because by the look of that car, man insane. Lucky enough that no one bumped into her or that she didn't hit another car because then it would had been disgusting. Again thank you god. We stayed at the tow place for about 45 minutes, getting everything out of her car and putting it into his, filling out papers and paying for it to be junked. After we were done, she decides that she doesn't need to go to the hospital, instead she wants to head over to BBQ's for a drink, lol. Unfortunately, her boyfriend couldn't come with us so he drops us off at the bus stop and we head over to the BBQ's so she can drink her problems away. We eat, we talk, we laugh, she's drunk, we head home. I love my sister so much and so happy she is okay.

Good Talks. Better Understandings.

Yesterday must had been the day of good talks. I had one with one of my coworker who is on the verge of becoming one of my best friends and also my Aunt, whom I've been skeptical about for years. I'll tackle the talk with my coworker first, her name is Mayra. Mayra and I had many talks before but none like this. I finally let my guard down. I told her the reason why I refuse to hang out with her and some of her friends. I finally told her that I'm anti-social. Not anti-social to the point where I get nervous whenever new people try to talk to me or that I refuse to engage in a conversation with others. I just don't like to meet new people. I feel like I can't be myself around them. They don't know my past, therefore they won't understand my actions and why I'm against certain things. That I'm too conservative or too boring, when I'm neither one of those things. I'll admit, I do tend to come off as a good girl, when I refuse to party or be apart of a group that feeds off attention by others unknown but that is because I don't like to be the center of attention. When you put yourself out there you're giving people more of the right to judge you. When you surround yourself with a certain group daily, yourself and the group becomes one. You're no longer being judge as your own person. You are the group and the group is you. I want to be my own person. If they means being "the good girl" then so be it. The thing that shocked me the most about our conversation is that Mayra stated that she too is anti-social and that is why she stick to her group, mostly Matthew because he is known to be anti-social as well. She told me that is how he became one of her best friends. They figured if both didn't like to be around people then they should only surround themselves with each other, this way they are never alone. I couldn't do anything but shake my head in admiration. Then she invited me to be anti-social along with them. I laughed but am strongly considering it. 

Moving onto the talk with my Aunt. Her name is Sarah. She is the one that lives with us  at age 30. Yes, that is the one I cuss in a previous blog post. Do I feel bad or want to apologize? No. At the time I was upset about a comment she made about my niece. Therefore, I expressed how I felt about her presence here. Don't get me wrong, I don't love her any less. We're family and family fight. What matter the most is the love. If anything, I probably love her a lot more after last night's conversation. We talked about everything. From the evil Aunt that lives downstairs (her older sister), to the love for our mother and how we will always love her no matter what she does. How much she has changed, and she has, tremendously. How my grandfather (her father) was chasing the "American dream" and failing miserably. I also talked about how the rich get rich and what steps need to be taken if we want to achieve that goal. At the end of our conversations she said she was inspired by me. Words can not describe how wonderful that made me feel.  

I Can Relate...

I haven't been keeping up with television shows as of late but for some reason I have gravitated towards Making The Band 4. I watched episode of this season when it aired on tv but slacked off. Then one day I was watching a clip of Que and Dawn talking about their sex life with a radio host. "Aww" is the first thing that came to mind because I seriously heart this couple. I decided to go to mtv.com to see what was the status of Danity Kane since their break up and what's going on with Day 26. I'm sure you all have heard that Danity Kane broke up and there isn't much hope of the group reuniting. The only members that remain are Dawn and Andrea. Which is fine by me considering they are my favorites. To hell with the rest. As I'm on the the 2nd to 3rd episode the showcase that Que and the rest of his band mates aren't getting along. You'd see him getting into a fight with Robert then he is going at Will and then Bryan. It seems as if any and everything can trigger a fight, like missing in action at the studio or not willing to practice when the whole group is ready to practice. Little, senseless, unimportant, things can cause the an altercation. I'm sure everyone is looking at their television like "what the fuck is going on with Que and his crazy ass". As I watched the episode I listened to Que's tone of voice as his band mates talked to him. Extremely defensive. I watched his body language and noticed how isolated he was as well how easily he was provoked by others comments. Old feelings begin to surface.

I'm the second oldest of 2 sisters and a brother. Though I was older than two of my siblings, I'm wasn't the strongest in weight wise. My little sister (who I called my little big sister) had a good 50 pounds over me, lmao. Of course I am exaggerating...Sort of lol. Okay, I don't the exact number but she was bigger than me. A lot bigger.... And my brother is well a boy. He wasn't your average young boy though, dude had a six pack when he was 10 lmao, I kid you not. I wouldn't say I was picked on by the two of them in particular but other people would often comment about them beating my ass because I was smaller and that didn't sit with me too well. Even my oldest sister would make fun of me getting "punked" by my younger siblings. I couldn't fathom the idea of those two having physical power of me so I had to prove to them and everyone else who thought that my little sister and brother could beat me, actually couldn't beat me up at all. Every little argument we got into I'll always try my hardest to shout over them...making it into something bigger then what it was intended to be. I'll even throw in some cuss words, hoping that it would intimidate them. When breaking up the fights, I'll slam the door and punch walls. I'll get in their face and press up on them like they were someone in the street, ready to throw down with them. There was even a time my brother and I got into a physical fight in the play ground. Ha, good thing my grandfather never found out about that one because we probably would have gotten the beating of our life. But yeah as I was saying, they couldn't talk to me in any kind of way because then I'll get heated and feel as if they were trying to disrespect me or in Que's words "play me". I had to prove to people that I was tough. Don't let my size fool you. This was an on going situation and I found myself saying that I hated them. I hated them so much. They didn't respect me therefore I didn't want to deal with them. I'll roll my eyes when they were around me. I didn't participate in anything they were involved in. They would talk to me and I'll either response with "I don't care", "so" or wouldn't say anything at all. Because I felt if they said something I didn't like I'll instantly blow up at them, so it would best if I didn't say anything at all. Boy was there tension in the house. We couldn't even look at each other without there being a problem. Correction, they couldn't look at me without there being a problem. The feelings weren't neutral. It was only one way. I'm the one who had a problem. I'm the one who felt there were ill feelings. I'm the one who isolated myself. I'm the one who had to deal with the hate and the envy. But I didn't care. I didn't like feeling inferior to my younger siblings and so I couldn't enjoy being an older sister. I couldn't help them with their homework when they asked. I wouldn't play with them when they wanted me to. I'll often side with friends whenever their was a problem, (though I've always fought their battles. No if, ands, or buts.). They didn't exist to me. I truly felt like I hated them.

I look back now and laugh out loud but inside there is no laughter just shame. How could I ever feel that way towards my brother and sister. I'm not sure when our relationship changed or how it changed but it changed. Not only do I love them to death but I have a great appreciation for them. I value their existence and can not picture life without them. Maybe it was a faze I was dealing with. Some sort of sibling rivalry.

And I think that's what Que is dealing with as well, that and being a guy. We all know how guys are with their pride. Try to shoot that down and they are ready to kill you. I want to add in my opinion about what I think the best solution is for Que's problem but I don't have a clue as to what he should do. Therapy, perhaps? lmao

Hello There.

Like i've stated I had some good news I wanted to share but decided not to because I'll feel like an idiot if it doesn't happen or jinx myself. So therefore no good news for today. Instead I wanted conclude my thoughts and feelings about my great grandfather's death. Up until today I was suffering with anxiety attacks. The symptoms I usually suffer from are shortness of breath and chest pain. I'm not too sure at what triggers the attacks but what I do know is that it is extremely scary and annoying. Especially when you're on the train, where people are overlapping others, there is no personal space and you can't lie down to relieve the pain. Again, annoying as well as scary. I haven't treated it just yet, considering I found out that I suffered from them like a month ago but I did call my doctor, hopefully we can find a way to lessen the attacks or not so much lessen them but to control them.
I haven't had one all day. Maybe because I'm too busy at work to think about what happened or because I have accepted what happened. I'm not too sure. Again I don't know exactly what triggers the attacks but what I do know is that I haven't been afraid to think about death or the death of my love ones. It's going to happen, whether I want it to or not. I call it bittersweet. Losing the one you love hurts. To know you're never going to see them again, hurts. You're memories of them, hurts. Seeing things that remind you of them, hurts. You're going to have to accept the fact that they're gone. And that's the bitter part. The sweet part is knowing that they're in a better place. You will no longer have to worry about they're safety. If someone is going to hurt them, mentality and physically. And they no longer have to worry about things that happens in this cruel world.
So instead of shying away from death, I've decided to embrace it. It's going to occur, whether I'm ready for it or not. And witnessing the death of my grandfather I doubt that I'll ever be ready. One minute he was here and the next he was gone. That experience has definitely opened my eyes. Changing the way I look at life and the people around me. Especially my mother. I was never into comic books or cartoons super heroes, ergo I don't know anything about super strengths, powers, who wears the cape and who doesn't, who drives or who flies...Yeah, I'm pretty much clueless. But if I had to choose a person who shows super heroes qualities, that person would be my mother. Because though I don't know too much details about super heroes and what they're capable of doing and what they're not, I do know that they have to be strong and all about the people. My mother is strong, not physically wise though she could push a dresser all by herself, she is mentally strong. She has been through a lot. With her husband, my biological mother, raising me and sisters and brother who are very close in age, dealing with her daughters, taking care of her dying mother and then having to turn around to take care of her ill father. That's a lot for one person. There are times where I sit down and wonder to myself "how the fuck did she do it all." Here I am 19 years old, suppose to be in the best shape of my life and I'm having these attacks, while my mother who is 61 years old, who dealt with so much, seen so much, stands tall. Still managing to smile even though what she has been though is a lifetime of heartbreak...yet I'm the one who is seeing a therapist. Isn't that funny?
I love my mother so much and though my actions probably shows other wise, I appreciate everything she has done for me and my sisters and brother. Everything she is doing. The most kind hearted person you'll ever meet and I mean that. You'll never find another human being quiet like her.