BACKKKK!!

Yes, I am back like cook crack. Bet you didn't know that they did that. Haha, that rhymes. But moving on, oh how I've missed you so! It's been so long and I am not going to lie, it felt quite empty without you. All my emotions are currently bottled up, due to the fact that I thought it would be a smart idea to take a break from you. Never again. I'm so on it!!!

I don't know exactly where to begin but a lot has been happening. Not productive, yet life altering. I really want to write about the fact that I'll be turning 20 Friday. Yes, you read correctly. I will be turning 20 this Friday!!!!! For those of you who don't know me personally, I hate my birthday. I never ever EVER look forward to a birthday, not even my 18th but I am extremely excited about this one and not only because I plan on spending it with my special someone because it actually means something to me. I'm not just turning another year older or the fact it means I'll only have one more year until I can drink, legally. What it means to me, responsibility. It means, I'm finally take full control of my life...MY LIFE! Every decision will be mine. Every accomplishment will be mine. Every failure will be mine. No one can tell me what to do. I no longer have to answer to anyone. This is my world, you bitches are just living in it. 

I'm BACKKK

I'm still in the "too good to be true" state of mind.

I know I've been seriously slacking with the lack of blog posts and whatnot. To be completely honest I've been slacking on a lot of things. But some thing inside of me is telling me it's going to change. I'm going to be back to my old self in no time. I've been distracted from life lately, some may see that as a bad thing but it's wonderful. Let's face it, reality sucks

Dude random, WHY MUST PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO FUCKING BLAST THEIR MUSIC WHEN THEY'RE DRIVING IN THEIR CAR FOR THE WORLD TO HEAR!?!?!? 

what makes you think everyone wants to listen to what you're fucking listening to, assholes. 

Okay, I'm done. Going to continue to sip on this hot tea hoping that it will magically make my cold disappear. Speaking of, this cold I have really fucked shit up. Rosemomma is away for a couple of days and instead celebrating, I'm here in bed nursing it. How annoying. I don't even want to be around people because I'm afraid that I might give them the cooties. 

Before I got, I want to "WTF" a couple of things.

DRAKE HOOKING UP WITH RIHANNA WTF!!!!

THE CELTICS LOSING TO MAGICS WTF!!!!

I'm trying to make sense of both situations but keep failing. Please someone come with an answer and maybe I can deal with it.

maybe.

Oh btw, the job that I use to love so much is starting to suck. I'm so disappointed. Yes, that's all I'm going to say about that situation.

Ok, I'm really leaving this time but before I go I wanted to leave a quote. 

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending"

-Maria Robinson

Think about it. Goodnight 

Quote Before Bed (QBB)

We all know how much I love inspirational quotes. I use to post them on my blog all the time but I wasn't dedicated, hence the lack of quotes. Well I'm back at it again and this time it won't be called "quote of the day" since I never have a specific time where I sit down and blog, it just happens especially before I head to bed. This is where the new name comes from. "QBB:" Quotes before bed...Clever right?

I know.

Well I'm about to head to bed and before I go I wanted to leave you all with a quote by George Bernard Shaw.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
-George Bernard Shaw

On My Grind pt 1

Guess who signed up for piano lessons today?!

That's right. ME!!

Good Talks. Better Understandings.

Yesterday must had been the day of good talks. I had one with one of my coworker who is on the verge of becoming one of my best friends and also my Aunt, whom I've been skeptical about for years. I'll tackle the talk with my coworker first, her name is Mayra. Mayra and I had many talks before but none like this. I finally let my guard down. I told her the reason why I refuse to hang out with her and some of her friends. I finally told her that I'm anti-social. Not anti-social to the point where I get nervous whenever new people try to talk to me or that I refuse to engage in a conversation with others. I just don't like to meet new people. I feel like I can't be myself around them. They don't know my past, therefore they won't understand my actions and why I'm against certain things. That I'm too conservative or too boring, when I'm neither one of those things. I'll admit, I do tend to come off as a good girl, when I refuse to party or be apart of a group that feeds off attention by others unknown but that is because I don't like to be the center of attention. When you put yourself out there you're giving people more of the right to judge you. When you surround yourself with a certain group daily, yourself and the group becomes one. You're no longer being judge as your own person. You are the group and the group is you. I want to be my own person. If they means being "the good girl" then so be it. The thing that shocked me the most about our conversation is that Mayra stated that she too is anti-social and that is why she stick to her group, mostly Matthew because he is known to be anti-social as well. She told me that is how he became one of her best friends. They figured if both didn't like to be around people then they should only surround themselves with each other, this way they are never alone. I couldn't do anything but shake my head in admiration. Then she invited me to be anti-social along with them. I laughed but am strongly considering it. 

Moving onto the talk with my Aunt. Her name is Sarah. She is the one that lives with us  at age 30. Yes, that is the one I cuss in a previous blog post. Do I feel bad or want to apologize? No. At the time I was upset about a comment she made about my niece. Therefore, I expressed how I felt about her presence here. Don't get me wrong, I don't love her any less. We're family and family fight. What matter the most is the love. If anything, I probably love her a lot more after last night's conversation. We talked about everything. From the evil Aunt that lives downstairs (her older sister), to the love for our mother and how we will always love her no matter what she does. How much she has changed, and she has, tremendously. How my grandfather (her father) was chasing the "American dream" and failing miserably. I also talked about how the rich get rich and what steps need to be taken if we want to achieve that goal. At the end of our conversations she said she was inspired by me. Words can not describe how wonderful that made me feel.  

Hello There.

Like i've stated I had some good news I wanted to share but decided not to because I'll feel like an idiot if it doesn't happen or jinx myself. So therefore no good news for today. Instead I wanted conclude my thoughts and feelings about my great grandfather's death. Up until today I was suffering with anxiety attacks. The symptoms I usually suffer from are shortness of breath and chest pain. I'm not too sure at what triggers the attacks but what I do know is that it is extremely scary and annoying. Especially when you're on the train, where people are overlapping others, there is no personal space and you can't lie down to relieve the pain. Again, annoying as well as scary. I haven't treated it just yet, considering I found out that I suffered from them like a month ago but I did call my doctor, hopefully we can find a way to lessen the attacks or not so much lessen them but to control them.
I haven't had one all day. Maybe because I'm too busy at work to think about what happened or because I have accepted what happened. I'm not too sure. Again I don't know exactly what triggers the attacks but what I do know is that I haven't been afraid to think about death or the death of my love ones. It's going to happen, whether I want it to or not. I call it bittersweet. Losing the one you love hurts. To know you're never going to see them again, hurts. You're memories of them, hurts. Seeing things that remind you of them, hurts. You're going to have to accept the fact that they're gone. And that's the bitter part. The sweet part is knowing that they're in a better place. You will no longer have to worry about they're safety. If someone is going to hurt them, mentality and physically. And they no longer have to worry about things that happens in this cruel world.
So instead of shying away from death, I've decided to embrace it. It's going to occur, whether I'm ready for it or not. And witnessing the death of my grandfather I doubt that I'll ever be ready. One minute he was here and the next he was gone. That experience has definitely opened my eyes. Changing the way I look at life and the people around me. Especially my mother. I was never into comic books or cartoons super heroes, ergo I don't know anything about super strengths, powers, who wears the cape and who doesn't, who drives or who flies...Yeah, I'm pretty much clueless. But if I had to choose a person who shows super heroes qualities, that person would be my mother. Because though I don't know too much details about super heroes and what they're capable of doing and what they're not, I do know that they have to be strong and all about the people. My mother is strong, not physically wise though she could push a dresser all by herself, she is mentally strong. She has been through a lot. With her husband, my biological mother, raising me and sisters and brother who are very close in age, dealing with her daughters, taking care of her dying mother and then having to turn around to take care of her ill father. That's a lot for one person. There are times where I sit down and wonder to myself "how the fuck did she do it all." Here I am 19 years old, suppose to be in the best shape of my life and I'm having these attacks, while my mother who is 61 years old, who dealt with so much, seen so much, stands tall. Still managing to smile even though what she has been though is a lifetime of heartbreak...yet I'm the one who is seeing a therapist. Isn't that funny?
I love my mother so much and though my actions probably shows other wise, I appreciate everything she has done for me and my sisters and brother. Everything she is doing. The most kind hearted person you'll ever meet and I mean that. You'll never find another human being quiet like her.

The Storm is about to come.

I'm sad and I think I need to cry but for some reason I won't allow myself to. My chest is hurting extremely bad, it has been since Friday. My eating habits aren't the same neither and I find myself constantly thinking about what happened. Why it happened. When is it going to happen again. Shit I can't even be fully excited about my new laptop because the tragedy keeps replaying in my head. I just came back from outside and cried..not as much as I wanted to but at least I got some thing out. Maybe then my chest won't feel so heavy.