SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I thought when death occurs, it is suppose to make you feel closer to the people around you. Death happened and I never felt so disconnected from the people around me. I honestly don't understand why I'm feeling the way I am.

Yes he was my uncle but I wasn't close to him.

He was married into the family.

And to be completely honest, not too many people took a liken to him.

But for some reason his death is bothering me and I wish I can pin point exactly why. I'm annoyed at everyone, I even snapped at a couple of people today...though I do feel like someone has to tell them about themselves, it wasn't the right time especially since we had company over but it is all build up frustration and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Besides, if people feel like they can talk to you however they want to, especially in front of company I think that it is only right that you let them know, don't let your ego get the best of you. You're not going to talk to me however you want to.

I'm always polite to people. Always. I rarely tell people to shut up and mean it. I don't boss people around. I believe I deserve that respect. Talk to me. Don't yell at me. I'm not your kid. I'm not mommy. I'm not going to put up with your bullshit. I don't feel sorry for you. You can cry a river about all the problems you're having but you're not doing anything about it, you won't get any pity from me.

Stop thinking people owe you anything. They don't owe you a damn thing especially if you're not doing anything to deserve it. You're not a little boy anymore. Grow the fuck up. If you do not like your living situation then do something about it. Make plans to go away to college, look for an apartment, save for an apartment. If you hate that you don't have a room of your own then do some thing about it. Stop sitting here bitching and moaning and feeling sorry for yourself. Stop trying to make your problem everyone's problem.

FUCK!

I'm so upset and I'm not sure why I'm letting this get to me. I'm stuck.

I'm stuck between taking care of myself and taking care of my family.

Rest in peace

Tonight another family member has passed away. My uncle Steve. May he rest in peace. May peace be given to his wife, my aunt, my grandmother's sister heart. I know she is broken right now.

Death. So much of it is going around lately.

Good Talks. Better Understandings.

Yesterday must had been the day of good talks. I had one with one of my coworker who is on the verge of becoming one of my best friends and also my Aunt, whom I've been skeptical about for years. I'll tackle the talk with my coworker first, her name is Mayra. Mayra and I had many talks before but none like this. I finally let my guard down. I told her the reason why I refuse to hang out with her and some of her friends. I finally told her that I'm anti-social. Not anti-social to the point where I get nervous whenever new people try to talk to me or that I refuse to engage in a conversation with others. I just don't like to meet new people. I feel like I can't be myself around them. They don't know my past, therefore they won't understand my actions and why I'm against certain things. That I'm too conservative or too boring, when I'm neither one of those things. I'll admit, I do tend to come off as a good girl, when I refuse to party or be apart of a group that feeds off attention by others unknown but that is because I don't like to be the center of attention. When you put yourself out there you're giving people more of the right to judge you. When you surround yourself with a certain group daily, yourself and the group becomes one. You're no longer being judge as your own person. You are the group and the group is you. I want to be my own person. If they means being "the good girl" then so be it. The thing that shocked me the most about our conversation is that Mayra stated that she too is anti-social and that is why she stick to her group, mostly Matthew because he is known to be anti-social as well. She told me that is how he became one of her best friends. They figured if both didn't like to be around people then they should only surround themselves with each other, this way they are never alone. I couldn't do anything but shake my head in admiration. Then she invited me to be anti-social along with them. I laughed but am strongly considering it. 

Moving onto the talk with my Aunt. Her name is Sarah. She is the one that lives with us  at age 30. Yes, that is the one I cuss in a previous blog post. Do I feel bad or want to apologize? No. At the time I was upset about a comment she made about my niece. Therefore, I expressed how I felt about her presence here. Don't get me wrong, I don't love her any less. We're family and family fight. What matter the most is the love. If anything, I probably love her a lot more after last night's conversation. We talked about everything. From the evil Aunt that lives downstairs (her older sister), to the love for our mother and how we will always love her no matter what she does. How much she has changed, and she has, tremendously. How my grandfather (her father) was chasing the "American dream" and failing miserably. I also talked about how the rich get rich and what steps need to be taken if we want to achieve that goal. At the end of our conversations she said she was inspired by me. Words can not describe how wonderful that made me feel.  

The Storm is about to come.

I'm sad and I think I need to cry but for some reason I won't allow myself to. My chest is hurting extremely bad, it has been since Friday. My eating habits aren't the same neither and I find myself constantly thinking about what happened. Why it happened. When is it going to happen again. Shit I can't even be fully excited about my new laptop because the tragedy keeps replaying in my head. I just came back from outside and cried..not as much as I wanted to but at least I got some thing out. Maybe then my chest won't feel so heavy.