Congrats to Shanay and Meka!

Why am I congratulating these two? Well because as of last Friday these two love birds got engaged!

And I couldn't be happier! I believe that I'm more excited about it then Shanay is, considering I told just about everyone. If I wasn't at work, tears would had fallen...I kid you not. Hearing about an engagement makes my heart feel at ease. Why? Because it means that love still does exists. That people still believe in spending the rest of their lives with that one person. That they cherish their significant other and appreciate what they have build together and willing to build some more. That there someone for everyone.

Sounds like a fairy tale huh?

I'm not naive. I know to get where they are now, they had to go through their ups and downs, just like every couple. Some ups are awesome and you feel like you're on cloud 9 and the downs can be so extreme that it makes you want to kill yourself.

But what is important to me is that the ups ALWAYS outweigh the downs and that there is more good times, then there is bad. That you're working to keep you two together because you both want it!

You've built a foundation so strong that only the two of you can destroy it.....together.

I can get into a lot more but I won't because then it won't be about Shanay and Meka anymore, it'll be more about my feelings towards my darling. I'm not too sure you guys are ready for that just yet. lol.

So again congrats guys! Nay you're winning at this game called life!

We need this. Our family need this. '09 has definitely been a tough year for us, we need hope.

Thank you guys for giving us that.

Thank you guys for making me believe again.

I wish you two nothing but the best.

I love you mommy

I'm the worse daughter right now. I didn't get my mother anything for mother's day nor have I taken her out. Working and hanging out has left me with little to no time with my mom. Man, I feel so bad right now. 

Words can not describe how much I love and appreciate that woman and it's sad that even on mother's day I fail at showing her. 

Blah. I suck at life.

And sorry for the lack of post, especially with the quotes. I haven't really been home all weekend and now I'm lying in bed trying to make my headache go away when I really should be up and cleaning. Man, tuesday can not come fast enough. 

I'll be back later. 

Thank You God

Once again I have been struck with reality. At work, trying to finish payroll up my manager casually comes up to me and asks if I can find an employee's number since my sister wasn't coming in due to a car accident. My first reaction was "WHAT!?", i can feel my eyes popping out of my eyes. He informed me that she was okay but of course I didn't believe him. Besides he's new, what the fuck does he know about my sister. Even if there is no scratches on her, I know she's hurt emotionally. I grab my phone and the first person i call is my mother. After speaking to her, I come to the conclusion that she doesn't know much about the situation. At this point I'm not sure as to what I should do. Continue to work and wait until I hear from her or leave the building. I couldn't go back to work though, the thought of my sister being hurt bothered me too much. I wouldn't be able to focus. I walk over to the general manager, who has a lot more sense than the new manager and let her know that I was going to leave. Before I could even finish my sentence she tells me to go. Oh how i love this lady. I ran to the back, call a cab and grab my things, heading towards the doors. My employee noticed that I was leaving in such a rush and asked me what was going on, I told them that my sister just got into a car accident. They pretty much freak out as much as I did when I heard the news. I told them that i will inform them once I know where she is and if she was alright. I walk out, the light rain drizzle hitting my face I stand in front of my job waiting for a cab. I then look over my shoulder and notices a familiar face. It's Meagan, the girl who works upstairs. She telling me to relax and try to see if i can get in contact with my sister. I do. It goes to voicemail. I'm freaking out even more while she is telling me to breath through my mouth out through my nose. I do while dialing the number again. Voicemail. At this moment all I can think about is her being in the ambulance alone, shaken up, frighten. Meagan is talking to me, trying to get me to relax. I can't. All these horrible thoughts are racing through my mind every fucking second. I can't focus. Until I hear my phone go off and see her name. I pick up the phone, she speaks her voice cracking. I sigh of relief but still very wary about her condition. I must have asked her if she is okay about 5 times before I let her complete her sentence. I told her that I was in front of the job waiting for the cab, I asked her where does she wants me to meet her. She tells me she is in the tow truck and gives me the address. I'm already at ease once I here that she is in a tow truck rather than a ambulance. She gives me the address and I tell her that I'll meet her there.

I pull up in front of the building to where she is standing, her arms are folded, her hood is on while the rain keeps coming down. At first I thought she was going to hop in the cab with me so I can take her home but she told me that her boyfriend was coming to get us. I pay my cab driver, thank him and jump out. There is where I see the little white Nissan, once called her "little white bitch" completely smashed! From the back to the front. Then I look over at my sister, no scar, no neck brace, completely unharmed. I can't help but thank god. I didn't even want to ask what happened, I don't like picturing my strong older sister defenseless, helpless. Just the thought of it makes me stomach hurt. A couple of minutes pass by and her boyfriend pulls out. He hops out of his car and walks over to her. They embrace in a small hug before she begins to apologize. He tells her not to worry about it, as long as she was alright. And again, thank god that she was because by the look of that car, man insane. Lucky enough that no one bumped into her or that she didn't hit another car because then it would had been disgusting. Again thank you god. We stayed at the tow place for about 45 minutes, getting everything out of her car and putting it into his, filling out papers and paying for it to be junked. After we were done, she decides that she doesn't need to go to the hospital, instead she wants to head over to BBQ's for a drink, lol. Unfortunately, her boyfriend couldn't come with us so he drops us off at the bus stop and we head over to the BBQ's so she can drink her problems away. We eat, we talk, we laugh, she's drunk, we head home. I love my sister so much and so happy she is okay.

Good Talks. Better Understandings.

Yesterday must had been the day of good talks. I had one with one of my coworker who is on the verge of becoming one of my best friends and also my Aunt, whom I've been skeptical about for years. I'll tackle the talk with my coworker first, her name is Mayra. Mayra and I had many talks before but none like this. I finally let my guard down. I told her the reason why I refuse to hang out with her and some of her friends. I finally told her that I'm anti-social. Not anti-social to the point where I get nervous whenever new people try to talk to me or that I refuse to engage in a conversation with others. I just don't like to meet new people. I feel like I can't be myself around them. They don't know my past, therefore they won't understand my actions and why I'm against certain things. That I'm too conservative or too boring, when I'm neither one of those things. I'll admit, I do tend to come off as a good girl, when I refuse to party or be apart of a group that feeds off attention by others unknown but that is because I don't like to be the center of attention. When you put yourself out there you're giving people more of the right to judge you. When you surround yourself with a certain group daily, yourself and the group becomes one. You're no longer being judge as your own person. You are the group and the group is you. I want to be my own person. If they means being "the good girl" then so be it. The thing that shocked me the most about our conversation is that Mayra stated that she too is anti-social and that is why she stick to her group, mostly Matthew because he is known to be anti-social as well. She told me that is how he became one of her best friends. They figured if both didn't like to be around people then they should only surround themselves with each other, this way they are never alone. I couldn't do anything but shake my head in admiration. Then she invited me to be anti-social along with them. I laughed but am strongly considering it. 

Moving onto the talk with my Aunt. Her name is Sarah. She is the one that lives with us  at age 30. Yes, that is the one I cuss in a previous blog post. Do I feel bad or want to apologize? No. At the time I was upset about a comment she made about my niece. Therefore, I expressed how I felt about her presence here. Don't get me wrong, I don't love her any less. We're family and family fight. What matter the most is the love. If anything, I probably love her a lot more after last night's conversation. We talked about everything. From the evil Aunt that lives downstairs (her older sister), to the love for our mother and how we will always love her no matter what she does. How much she has changed, and she has, tremendously. How my grandfather (her father) was chasing the "American dream" and failing miserably. I also talked about how the rich get rich and what steps need to be taken if we want to achieve that goal. At the end of our conversations she said she was inspired by me. Words can not describe how wonderful that made me feel.  

Hello There.

Like i've stated I had some good news I wanted to share but decided not to because I'll feel like an idiot if it doesn't happen or jinx myself. So therefore no good news for today. Instead I wanted conclude my thoughts and feelings about my great grandfather's death. Up until today I was suffering with anxiety attacks. The symptoms I usually suffer from are shortness of breath and chest pain. I'm not too sure at what triggers the attacks but what I do know is that it is extremely scary and annoying. Especially when you're on the train, where people are overlapping others, there is no personal space and you can't lie down to relieve the pain. Again, annoying as well as scary. I haven't treated it just yet, considering I found out that I suffered from them like a month ago but I did call my doctor, hopefully we can find a way to lessen the attacks or not so much lessen them but to control them.
I haven't had one all day. Maybe because I'm too busy at work to think about what happened or because I have accepted what happened. I'm not too sure. Again I don't know exactly what triggers the attacks but what I do know is that I haven't been afraid to think about death or the death of my love ones. It's going to happen, whether I want it to or not. I call it bittersweet. Losing the one you love hurts. To know you're never going to see them again, hurts. You're memories of them, hurts. Seeing things that remind you of them, hurts. You're going to have to accept the fact that they're gone. And that's the bitter part. The sweet part is knowing that they're in a better place. You will no longer have to worry about they're safety. If someone is going to hurt them, mentality and physically. And they no longer have to worry about things that happens in this cruel world.
So instead of shying away from death, I've decided to embrace it. It's going to occur, whether I'm ready for it or not. And witnessing the death of my grandfather I doubt that I'll ever be ready. One minute he was here and the next he was gone. That experience has definitely opened my eyes. Changing the way I look at life and the people around me. Especially my mother. I was never into comic books or cartoons super heroes, ergo I don't know anything about super strengths, powers, who wears the cape and who doesn't, who drives or who flies...Yeah, I'm pretty much clueless. But if I had to choose a person who shows super heroes qualities, that person would be my mother. Because though I don't know too much details about super heroes and what they're capable of doing and what they're not, I do know that they have to be strong and all about the people. My mother is strong, not physically wise though she could push a dresser all by herself, she is mentally strong. She has been through a lot. With her husband, my biological mother, raising me and sisters and brother who are very close in age, dealing with her daughters, taking care of her dying mother and then having to turn around to take care of her ill father. That's a lot for one person. There are times where I sit down and wonder to myself "how the fuck did she do it all." Here I am 19 years old, suppose to be in the best shape of my life and I'm having these attacks, while my mother who is 61 years old, who dealt with so much, seen so much, stands tall. Still managing to smile even though what she has been though is a lifetime of heartbreak...yet I'm the one who is seeing a therapist. Isn't that funny?
I love my mother so much and though my actions probably shows other wise, I appreciate everything she has done for me and my sisters and brother. Everything she is doing. The most kind hearted person you'll ever meet and I mean that. You'll never find another human being quiet like her.