I Can Relate...

I haven't been keeping up with television shows as of late but for some reason I have gravitated towards Making The Band 4. I watched episode of this season when it aired on tv but slacked off. Then one day I was watching a clip of Que and Dawn talking about their sex life with a radio host. "Aww" is the first thing that came to mind because I seriously heart this couple. I decided to go to mtv.com to see what was the status of Danity Kane since their break up and what's going on with Day 26. I'm sure you all have heard that Danity Kane broke up and there isn't much hope of the group reuniting. The only members that remain are Dawn and Andrea. Which is fine by me considering they are my favorites. To hell with the rest. As I'm on the the 2nd to 3rd episode the showcase that Que and the rest of his band mates aren't getting along. You'd see him getting into a fight with Robert then he is going at Will and then Bryan. It seems as if any and everything can trigger a fight, like missing in action at the studio or not willing to practice when the whole group is ready to practice. Little, senseless, unimportant, things can cause the an altercation. I'm sure everyone is looking at their television like "what the fuck is going on with Que and his crazy ass". As I watched the episode I listened to Que's tone of voice as his band mates talked to him. Extremely defensive. I watched his body language and noticed how isolated he was as well how easily he was provoked by others comments. Old feelings begin to surface.

I'm the second oldest of 2 sisters and a brother. Though I was older than two of my siblings, I'm wasn't the strongest in weight wise. My little sister (who I called my little big sister) had a good 50 pounds over me, lmao. Of course I am exaggerating...Sort of lol. Okay, I don't the exact number but she was bigger than me. A lot bigger.... And my brother is well a boy. He wasn't your average young boy though, dude had a six pack when he was 10 lmao, I kid you not. I wouldn't say I was picked on by the two of them in particular but other people would often comment about them beating my ass because I was smaller and that didn't sit with me too well. Even my oldest sister would make fun of me getting "punked" by my younger siblings. I couldn't fathom the idea of those two having physical power of me so I had to prove to them and everyone else who thought that my little sister and brother could beat me, actually couldn't beat me up at all. Every little argument we got into I'll always try my hardest to shout over them...making it into something bigger then what it was intended to be. I'll even throw in some cuss words, hoping that it would intimidate them. When breaking up the fights, I'll slam the door and punch walls. I'll get in their face and press up on them like they were someone in the street, ready to throw down with them. There was even a time my brother and I got into a physical fight in the play ground. Ha, good thing my grandfather never found out about that one because we probably would have gotten the beating of our life. But yeah as I was saying, they couldn't talk to me in any kind of way because then I'll get heated and feel as if they were trying to disrespect me or in Que's words "play me". I had to prove to people that I was tough. Don't let my size fool you. This was an on going situation and I found myself saying that I hated them. I hated them so much. They didn't respect me therefore I didn't want to deal with them. I'll roll my eyes when they were around me. I didn't participate in anything they were involved in. They would talk to me and I'll either response with "I don't care", "so" or wouldn't say anything at all. Because I felt if they said something I didn't like I'll instantly blow up at them, so it would best if I didn't say anything at all. Boy was there tension in the house. We couldn't even look at each other without there being a problem. Correction, they couldn't look at me without there being a problem. The feelings weren't neutral. It was only one way. I'm the one who had a problem. I'm the one who felt there were ill feelings. I'm the one who isolated myself. I'm the one who had to deal with the hate and the envy. But I didn't care. I didn't like feeling inferior to my younger siblings and so I couldn't enjoy being an older sister. I couldn't help them with their homework when they asked. I wouldn't play with them when they wanted me to. I'll often side with friends whenever their was a problem, (though I've always fought their battles. No if, ands, or buts.). They didn't exist to me. I truly felt like I hated them.

I look back now and laugh out loud but inside there is no laughter just shame. How could I ever feel that way towards my brother and sister. I'm not sure when our relationship changed or how it changed but it changed. Not only do I love them to death but I have a great appreciation for them. I value their existence and can not picture life without them. Maybe it was a faze I was dealing with. Some sort of sibling rivalry.

And I think that's what Que is dealing with as well, that and being a guy. We all know how guys are with their pride. Try to shoot that down and they are ready to kill you. I want to add in my opinion about what I think the best solution is for Que's problem but I don't have a clue as to what he should do. Therapy, perhaps? lmao