A Piece Of My Mind

"I'm having a problem within myself. That problem is, I believe I sleep too much and I'm beginning to think that life is passing me by while I rest my eyes. Awhile ago, I use to love to sleep or close my eyes and try to fall asleep because I'm eager to find out where my mind will take me but now I'm finding it extremely hard to escape reality. I'm forced to live in the now and plan for the later. There is no more fantasy. It's time to grow up."

I wrote that awhile ago but again like a lot of my writing, it didn't get finished. And I again, I don't think I am going to finish it. Woot!

Distance Feeling

I haven't felt this way about a person in a very long time. I'm talking about since 9th grade when the school bully wouldn't leave us the hell alone.

That feeling would be hatred!

Yes, yes I know, hate is a very strong word. So let's call it a strong dislike. I have a strong dislike towards a certain person and it's a weird feeling. I seriously haven't felt this way in such a long time. It feels rather silly and immature and I'm trying so hard to eliminate these feelings but nothing I do, good talks, jokes, I mean nothing I do seems to work. This person has definitely gotten under my skin and I don't like it one bit.

I do not having a problem with pulling certain people out of my life, especially when they're so irrelevant to begin with. I pride myself on having the ability to ignore people and it not having an effect on me at all.

For some reason I can't seem to do this. To be completely honest with you, I think it's because I actually do want to like this person despite my ill feelings. I'm not having much success with this. I can't be fake. I can't ignore the bullshit.

And for some strange reason I feel like I should be the one to call this person out and that's not in my character at all. Come on, timid, shy Oneka, telling someone how full of shit they are? That doesn't sound like me. Usually I could care less but something is yarning inside of me, the need to save those who has fallen victim of this professional bullshitter. I'm over it.

The crazy thing is that I've been trying but it's an uneasy feeling, knowing damn well that I'm not fond of them.

Maybe I'm just being a bitch?

No.

I know exactly what it is, I'm paying these hoes too much attention.

Beautiful

I went to the movies last night and while waiting for our movie to begin, this trailer came on. All our attention was focus on this preview, I think it's safe to saw that it took our breath away. It's simply beautiful.

As I Think Back

As I think back

I wonder if I should regret more

I wonder if lessons were ever learned

and if I'm actually moving forward

As I think back

I wonder how I got here

I wonder about my past

and if I should try to remember more

As I think back

I wonder how my life have changed

I wonder about my happiness

And if I am proud of myself

As I think back

I wonder what I've could've done

I wonder how I avoided certain situations

And If I'm content with my decision.

It's that time of the year again.

It's that time of the year again, I refer to it as my happy time.

But this time of year, I'm not feeling too peachy.

I wouldn't say that the spirit is ruined but when you have a lot of other things on your mind, it can get sort of hard trying to remain happy 24/7.

Though I haven't been writing in my blog, my thoughts are currently in my cell phone, expressing almost everything and everyone I feel uncomfortable about.

I started calling them chapters in my life. So far I'm up to chapter 6 and I'm working on chapter 7 and 8. I'm not too sure if I'm willing to share that though, a lot of it should remain personal.

A lot of things I want to write about should remain personal, especially since people know about my blog.

I know, I know, they aren't sitting by their computer waiting for me to update but still, knowing that people have came across this, read my thoughts is a little more than scary.

But then again this is my blog. For awhile I even considered this my home.

I should be comfortable in my own house. Well that is not the case anymore.

Damn

Who can you trust if you can't trust your family? People are beginning to show their true colors or maybe they have been I've just been too oblivious to notice it.

I see now and I see clearly.

I'm fed up and I just don't want to care anymore.

I so badly just want to go off right now and it's not the time.

Not yet anyway.

......

As of right now my life is at a stand still.

Don't worry, I'm in the process of moving pretty soon.

What It Feels Like

Yesterday I went to take my test to attend school in January. When I stepped into the building I felt a familiar vibe. I watch as the college students pass by and thought to myself, I've seen these people before. I briefly listen in on their conversations and know I've heard this before. I walked to an area where lots of students were seated at, some there to pass time until their next class, other taking their lunch breaks. Sitting at a table, that some feet were propped up on.

I stood there observing.

I watched as one group thought they were cooler than the other groups.

I watched young men walk pass a group of girls, trying to get their attention.

I watched a group of girls walk by with scarfs on their head, indicating that they were having a bad hair done.

I felt as if I've been here before.

Feels like high school all over again.

And a big FUCK YOU for that.

Congrats to Shanay and Meka!

Why am I congratulating these two? Well because as of last Friday these two love birds got engaged!

And I couldn't be happier! I believe that I'm more excited about it then Shanay is, considering I told just about everyone. If I wasn't at work, tears would had fallen...I kid you not. Hearing about an engagement makes my heart feel at ease. Why? Because it means that love still does exists. That people still believe in spending the rest of their lives with that one person. That they cherish their significant other and appreciate what they have build together and willing to build some more. That there someone for everyone.

Sounds like a fairy tale huh?

I'm not naive. I know to get where they are now, they had to go through their ups and downs, just like every couple. Some ups are awesome and you feel like you're on cloud 9 and the downs can be so extreme that it makes you want to kill yourself.

But what is important to me is that the ups ALWAYS outweigh the downs and that there is more good times, then there is bad. That you're working to keep you two together because you both want it!

You've built a foundation so strong that only the two of you can destroy it.....together.

I can get into a lot more but I won't because then it won't be about Shanay and Meka anymore, it'll be more about my feelings towards my darling. I'm not too sure you guys are ready for that just yet. lol.

So again congrats guys! Nay you're winning at this game called life!

We need this. Our family need this. '09 has definitely been a tough year for us, we need hope.

Thank you guys for giving us that.

Thank you guys for making me believe again.

I wish you two nothing but the best.

Home is where the heart isn't.

Ever since I was born I had to share a room with someone. At one point we were even sharing beds. Hey, what can I say? Times were rough.

But at this point, I can finally admit that I am tired of sharing.

I'm tired of being interrupted every time I'm in the bathroom. I'm tired of my bedroom door being banged on when it's closed. I'm tired of my personal things being taken without my permission. I'm tired of the other side of the room looking like a complete mess. I'm tired of having to hide my food. I'm tired of having to clean my dishes and everyone else's too.

I want to be able to get on my computer and watch tv at the same time. I want to be able to blast my music as loud as I want. I want to be able to put my food down for a couple of minutes and it remains there the next day. I want to be able to take a 2 hour shower without anyone banging on the door, rushing me to hurry up. Most importantly I want to achieve complete silence. I often need that peace in my mind for a couple of hours. Unfortunately that is difficult when you're living with 6 other people.

As of late, I've been noticing how limited my privacy is. Actually I've been noticing how limited everyone in this house privacy is.

The thing is, I don't think it bothers them as much as it bothers me.

I try not to complain about my living situation because my grandparents has done a lot for us. Putting this amazing roof over our head is one but I am getting older. I am becoming my own person. I am growing. I need room to grow. I need space to progress.

Unfortunately this household is no longer giving me the nourishment's. I might as well be a plant in a closet.

...yeah you see where I'm going with this.

At times it feels like I'm only here to rest my head then I'm up and out the next morning.

It's gotten so bad that my bed doesn't feel the same anymore.

These walls. Well these wall were my best friends. I would often cry to these walls. Punch these walls to release all my frustration. All my built up anger would reflect on these walls. Lately, as I touch them I quickly pull away. Their so cold.

My walls doesn't feel the same anymore.

My home doesn't feel the same anymore.

My heart isn't here anymore.

But like I stated a week or so in my blog, I can't sit here and complain about my living situation. I am my own person. I know what is best for me. My mistakes will be my own fault and I will celebrate my own accomplishments.

I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.

Don't Get it

Why are you constantly making me feel this way?

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I thought when death occurs, it is suppose to make you feel closer to the people around you. Death happened and I never felt so disconnected from the people around me. I honestly don't understand why I'm feeling the way I am.

Yes he was my uncle but I wasn't close to him.

He was married into the family.

And to be completely honest, not too many people took a liken to him.

But for some reason his death is bothering me and I wish I can pin point exactly why. I'm annoyed at everyone, I even snapped at a couple of people today...though I do feel like someone has to tell them about themselves, it wasn't the right time especially since we had company over but it is all build up frustration and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Besides, if people feel like they can talk to you however they want to, especially in front of company I think that it is only right that you let them know, don't let your ego get the best of you. You're not going to talk to me however you want to.

I'm always polite to people. Always. I rarely tell people to shut up and mean it. I don't boss people around. I believe I deserve that respect. Talk to me. Don't yell at me. I'm not your kid. I'm not mommy. I'm not going to put up with your bullshit. I don't feel sorry for you. You can cry a river about all the problems you're having but you're not doing anything about it, you won't get any pity from me.

Stop thinking people owe you anything. They don't owe you a damn thing especially if you're not doing anything to deserve it. You're not a little boy anymore. Grow the fuck up. If you do not like your living situation then do something about it. Make plans to go away to college, look for an apartment, save for an apartment. If you hate that you don't have a room of your own then do some thing about it. Stop sitting here bitching and moaning and feeling sorry for yourself. Stop trying to make your problem everyone's problem.

FUCK!

I'm so upset and I'm not sure why I'm letting this get to me. I'm stuck.

I'm stuck between taking care of myself and taking care of my family.

I've Got Some Issues

]

"The moon will illuminate my room and soon I'm consumed by my doom"

Rest in peace

Tonight another family member has passed away. My uncle Steve. May he rest in peace. May peace be given to his wife, my aunt, my grandmother's sister heart. I know she is broken right now.

Death. So much of it is going around lately.

What's the deal...

I've been having these thoughts lately. Thoughts of finding yourself. My question is, does anyone really find themselves? And if they do, what is life like for them? Do they know their purpose in life? Do they know what makes them truly happy? Does life not have that shock value it once had anymore? Do they just float until.

I have yet to meet anyone who has told me that they found themselves.

I have met a couple of people who would like to but haven't taken any steps. Where do you even begin? Is there like a handbook giving you instructions on what to do to find yourself? If so, then why aren't more people purchasing that book? Why aren't more people trying to find themselves?

I'm sorry. This rant is completely bullshit but it's just something I've been thinking about lately. How to find yourself? What's your purpose in life? What makes someone truly happy? How to achieve long term happiness?

My questions are all over the place but I'm curious. These are questions I want to ask people. These are problems that every human has. These are answers I want.

REAL PEOPLE, REAL PROBLEMS, REAL ANSWERS.

Goodbye to you

Getting ready for sleepless nights.

Work, school, boyfriend, friends, and all in between.

Good bye sleep.

And yes I realize that this post is pretty pointless but I'm in the process of researching a topic. Bare with me folks.

And here I go

I have a few people come to me about the lack of posts on my blog. Last year I was greatly involved, this year I'm having a hard time keeping up with it. I'm not too okay with that.

This blog has been my everything.

I finally found a place where I can just say whatever is on my mind, whenever I feel like it.

I get to release it all.

And be proud of my work.

But the biggest thing it has done for me is made me realize my love for writing, of course with the help of my darling.

It helped me realize the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be.

It has made me look at everything in a different light. Everything I encounter is a potential blog post. A potential story.

It makes me want to read books, to learn more, to share knowledge.

This blog is my first love. I don't ever want to let this go.

I can sit here and make thousands of excuses to why I haven't been posting. But at the end of the day, it doesn't make me feel any better.

I have things to write about but to be completely honest, some times I'm too lazy to do the research.

Some times I am afraid to write because I think I won't have anything interesting to say but once I overcome that, my fingers just begin to move at a rapid speed and before I know it, I have paragraphs.

I am afraid because I don't know.

I don't know because I am afraid.

I have this poem, silly little poem, something that I wrote while I was getting my hair chopped off.

Oh! By the way, I totally cut all my hair off but I won't get into that right now, that definitely deserves it's own post but back to the poem. I wrote a poem, some thing I don't normally try to do because I always sound trite but for some reason I actually really like this.

Seeing right through you

thinking maybe I shouldn't

Avoiding the obvious

saying you couldn't

I can't be this naive

maybe I am not naive at all

and it's exactly what it seems

I pride myself on being different

everyone's past experience

has blessed me with wisdom

my views has changed

because my gut doesn't feel it

Is it love?

Or am I wishing?

Goodnight all and and happy October :)

Douche Bag YEEZY!!

Yeah, I said it. 

Douche Bag!

I'm pretty sure you watched the VMAS last night and if you didn't then I'm pretty sure you heard everyone talking about it today. Kanye West made himself look like the biggest dick in the world. 

I understand that he has the right to speak his mind but as an adult, he should know that there is a time and place for everything. Going up on stage in the middle of that girl accepting the award to declare his true feelings about the winning was not the time nor was it the place. Fail Kayne. Epic fail. I'm pretty sure he was not the only one who thought that Taylor Swift did not deserve that winning. Personally I thought Lady Gaga should had walked away with it. 

I am completely embarrassed by this guy actions and yes it has to do with the fact that he is black. Bad enough I have to deal with the foolery while riding public transportation but to see this on television by a artist I look up to was such a disappointment. Yes, I know Ye is known for speaking his mind but that doesn't make what he did right in any way. He embarrassed the black community. Our black president. Thank you dick head. 

I'm pretty sure a lot of people would think I'm getting ahead of myself when I say he disrespected our black community but you have to remember, he is somewhat of an icon to many. To the white kids, who lives in small towns and don't know the actions of black people only from what they hear on the television, they look to Kanye and that's the image they're going to believe. That's how they think black people really act. 

I'm pissed because for someone to be educated, so talented, he acted like a ignorant asshole. What a waste. What a waste. 

Okay, I'm done ranting about this douche. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a fan just extremely disappointed in his actions. 

Random Something

And I try to speak every word that's on my tongue

I can't let it out

because the feeling in my heart. 

I struggle to relief

and to reveal

hidden treasure, buried deep. 

I didn't finish it and I don't think I am. This piece is beautiful to me. 

I Wasn't Expecting

We sit in the emergency room, quiet. Confused. Frustrated. Annoyed. Worried. Not knowing how to address the topic, we begin to avoid it with silence. I look around, hoping that something catches my attention until your name is called once again. I see nothing. I hear nothing. I feel everything.

 

I look over at you once again, wanting so badly to make eye connect. Connection of any sort. Nothing. You’re empty. Oh so it seems. I’m full and ready to burst.

 

I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take these emotions that I’m trying so hard to keep under control. Know how I feel and tell me you feel the same. Speak, cave in. Look at me, speak. Nothing.

 

You’re empty. I’m full, in the process of spilling over.

 

Then I burst. Giving you a huge part of myself.

 

I couldn’t breathe.  “Good thing we’re already in a hospital” I think to myself.

 

I wasn’t expecting to receive CPR without actually receiving CPR. I wasn’t expecting them to care for my wound, that I never had.  I wasn't expecting painkiller, to kill this pain. I wasn't expecting my doctor to look the way he did. 

As we walk out of emergency room together, I think to myself "I got saved, without dying. You saved my life"