Man Oh Man *cringes

I so don't want to write about this because it's hella embarrassing! bladkhasdandbajksdhakjhd !!ad (that was me making an effort to block out the thoughts of what I did last night) oh my god I'm so fucking embarrassed lol BLAH!



Should I write about it? Hey why the hell not, maybe just maybe as I get this off of my chest I'll begin to feel better about it and by feeling better I mean I want to forget about it, FOREVER!



lol OMGG!!! I'm annoying myself. I just can't believe I actually opened my mouth and said some shit like that, knowing that I shouldn't. What an asshole! Okay, okay I'm going to go for it. The event from last night.



I already had my night planned out. Since no one was going to be at my house instead of myself, my sister and mom I would stay in my room and watch the L Word all night. Didn't happen that way. My older sister said that her and her boyfriend were going to head down to the job and I basically invited myself...Should had stayed home..

Anyway since I'm not allow to consume alcohol there, I took a couple of shots at the house and went there tipsy.



Pretty much everyone was in shock to see me there...Plenty of them said that they never seen me at night and surprised to see me out of the office. Couple of them wanted to buy me a drink and whatnot. Took pictures with almost everyone, gave everyone a hug, had a conversations with people. It was a good vibe.



UNTIL I SAW HIM! With her. lol blah.



Like why would I fucking care, right? He doesn't even know I have this huge crush on him and who the hell still have crushes at age 19!? I suck at life but sheesh seeing them together made me want to pull out my tracks lmao. Never in a million years would I had thought the two of them would be into each other. They're so different from one another but who am I to judge? It's usually like that though, a lot of people who are together have absolutely nothing in common. I guess that is a good thing, it keeps the relationship interesting.



But yeah, I don't know. One minute I was telling him I had to talk to him about something and the next I'm spilling my heart out to him. Blah. What a corn!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't like "I'm sooo completely in love with you" or any of that sort but I did tell him that I was feeling him a little and thought the feeling were mutual...GUESS NOT...well I don't know if the feelings were mutual because he never came out and said anything about liking me or not liking me or maybe he was trying to but I was too busy talking about useless shit..When I'm drunk I talk a lot and I'm pretty damn bold....Kill me please. I'm begging someone to please drive a nine inch steak knife into my back and let me lie there dying, slowly, lol I'm being dramatic.



My sister asked me why I was being a pussy about the situation, lol asshole. Let me clear something up, I'm not being a pussy...I'm not scared of any human being. They bleed just like I bleed but I do care about other people feelings. A lot of people say that isn't a good thing because other people don't give two shits about yours, which is true. I've experienced it but does that mean I should totally disgaurd how someone else feels just so I can get my way? Should I back stab, manipulate everyone just so I can come out on top and feel better about myself? Will that make me a better person?



Yes I may achieve a lot while doing so but at the end of the day I hurt someone to get where I am and so my achievement means absolutely nothing.



Jesus, I'm thinking way too deep about this. It's not that serious. It's not like I acted upon my feelings, did something that was totally out of character and disrespected the girl physically. Besides they're not even official and my sister just told me he broke up with his girlfriend like a couple of weeks ago, interesting huh? But that doesn't take away from that fact that he is a nice guy. I'll give him that. Most guys wouldn't had gave two shits that their girlfriend was there and they were off talking to another chick, but he did and you have to admire that even if I was the other girl, lol...Nice one.



After we cleared up our situations he went back over to her. I guess she didn't take a liking that we were off in a corner talking because he like stormed out of the restaurant...Drama queen much? I think so. I didn't even look the girl in the eye because she was so nice to me throughout the night, and usually a cool person whenever we see each other I feel bad that she is having mix feelings about pursuing her relationship with him and I am the cause of that. Fucking asshole is what I am.



You would think that I would be hurt, right? Because the guy I somewhat had a crush on basically turned me down but I'm not. I'm more relieved then anything else. I wasn't sure where I stood with him and so the suspense was killing me. Not really killing me but I would often play the "what if" game, not at all a fun game. I find myself being upfront about my feelings with the past 2 guys I was involved with, none of them turned out how I wanted it too because that would be too fucking easy. Rejection does suck but it's not the end of the world. I'm prepared to deal with rejections because of this wonderful thing called confidence. Without that it I would be a mess. And it's not like I need a guy to make me happy. Since I'm so use to being alone, I never depended on anyone for happiness, I always had myself but I would like someone in my life that contributes to my happiness, obviously this is going to be a difficult task.