Just Words

At this moment I'm suppose to be at a baby shower in Brooklyn instead I'm home watching "true life" on MTV and throwing back can Pepsi's. Yes I live the great life. I'm pretty sure a lot of people would think I'm a social loser for not being out on a Saturday night and yes at times I do feel like that myself but I'm learning a lot and what I have learned thus far is that I actually like being alone.

I've tried to have a social life, it's overwhelming. I hate talking on the phone and when I'm some place that I am not familiar with I tend to become uncomfortable. A lot of people aren't aware of their surroundings; I'm the complete opposite. I'm always alert. You have to be in this crazy world.

Now I'm sitting here wondering if liking to be alone is a good thing?

Before I didn't have a choice. I suffered with internal feelings and always felt alone even if I happen to around a crowd of people. Those were self-esteem issues that I'm not fully ready to reveal just yet.

But now I have a choice. I can go out and have fun with my friends and not feel like a complete loser or I can stay in.

I choose to stay in and guess what? I don't feel like a loner at all. Now that I have a choice I still prefer to be alone with my own thoughts.

Asking my mother and sister do they think liking to be alone is a great thing, both of their response were "Yes. It's a great thing"

I think otherwise.

I'm so use to be alone. So use to things being my way. I can't picture anyone taking me out of my element. I'll admit I'm a selfish person and being selfish is not a good quality to have.
....So I've heard.

I pride myself on not being the kind of individual that depends on others to make me happy but one day I do expect someone to come into my life and parttake in my happiness.

How is that possible when I enjoy being alone?

I think that's another reason why I shy away from potential relationships because I'll no longer be alone. To lay in bed all day by myself, to write useful words on a piece of paper, to be in my own thoughts.



I'm making it seems as if I have to give up my soul to be with someone or that the person I am with is going to be breathing over my shoulder. Around this time last year and ex stayed over my house for a couple of days and I couldn't stand it after the 3rd day! Maybe it was the boy that I was with but I know for a fact that a guy doesn't have to be there physically to be around you, mentally as well. Occupying your thoughts as you try to fill them with something productive.

I'm rambling for no reason. I know for a fact that I'm going to be alone with my 29 cats. I don't even know why this is bothering me.

Actually it bothers me a lot; I don't want to be alone with my 29 cats. I don't even like cats :[