Feeling Like A Step Child.

Yes another post about my crazy family. I'm seriously considering writing a book about them. The reason for the title is because lately I have been feeling like a step child which is something I've felt many times before. Before I go any deeper, I am going to explain to you exactly what happened to cause these feelings to surface once again.

Okay so my ipod broke and I was pretty upset about this. Last time I was debating if I should buy me a brand new one or see if my old one could be fixed. I decided to get a brand new one....Risky move considering Christmas is coming up and I have to buy gifts. I figured that I would be getting paid 3 times before Christmas so I'm safe, plus I'll try to do some overtime....

Getting a little off topic there, let me continue. Having my mind set on getting a new ipod I called my mother yesterday mid-afternoon asking her would she mind taking me to the apple store in westchester (which is considered upstate new york from where I lived), she said she didn't mind as long as she wasn't tired. Fine. As soon as I get off of work I call her and asked if she was tired. She wasn't tired but she couldn't take me because she had a church concert to attend. Fine, whatever. I was sort of bummed out about this but understood she made prior engagements. Then she goes to say that she can take me today because I get off of work early on sundays. That actually made a lot of sense. She then continues saying that she will bring her jeans with her to church, at least she wouldn't have to rush back home to cook since my grandfather is going away.

Now lets sum this way. I am under the assumption that we're going to the apple store when she gets back from church. That she will not be parking the car to change her clothes because she is already bringing her jeans. Is that what it sounds like or am I wrong?

At work this morning all I could think about was getting to that apple store and buying my ipod. I got home around 2:30 and she wasn't here, I figured that she was still at church. In the mean time I surfed the net, watched True Blood; waiting for her phone call to tell me to come downstairs.

She never called....

Instead I got a knock on my bedroom door. I open it up and there is she, with a smile on her face. She begins asking me questions like "was I sleeping?", "where is Billy?" (Billy is my brother by the way).

In my head I'm like "what?!?!?" I then come out and ask her what happened to her taking me to the apple store.

Silence. Then she goes "Oh you still want to go?"

??????? What the fuck made you think that I still didn't want to go?!?!?!

That's what I wanted to say but remembered that this is my mother standing in front of me so I restrain. Trying not to explode, I answered her question with an "yes" and then asked if she wanted to take me still. She didn't answer my question with a sure answer. Right then and there I knew she didn't want to take me. She kept saying "Once I'm on the road, I'm fine" Meaning that she was tired. She then say that she dropped Vicky off and did a little shopping.

OMG, OMG WHAT ABOUT ME!? Our plan was to do food shopping and then head up to westchester, that is what she told me. And we didn't. She came up with another excuse not to take me where I wanted to go. FUCK!

She kept saying that she would take me but that's only because she saw how upset I was. But I kept saying no.

Fuck that. If she didn't want to take me, that's all she had to say. I will not beg anyone for anything. There is this thing called pride and I do have some.

I was pissed the hell off. My face begin to get hot, I felt like crying. So what I ended up doing was getting my things and leaving the house without saying a word to her. I was on my way to 59th street to the apple store.

Face still heated, I couldn't help but think if Vicky (who is my younger sister) or Billy asked she would have taken hi,. I know for a fact that she would have taken Billy. She does everything for that boy, it's insane. But when I ask her for something there is always a fucking story and I am sick of hearing it.

I thought after everything I've been through, she would open her eyes and realize how differently she treats us. Treating me the worst. But nope, of course not. Actually after I went to therapy, things did change but obviously it didn't last long. I am starting to feel like I've felt before. Unappreciated.

I noticed that once she received her settlement, Billy started to get new things. I know for a fact that he doesn't have any money of his own, considering that his job hasn't paid him yet so she had to be buying him things. Whatever, I'm use to Billy getting whatever the fuck he wants. This use to bother me. Because when I didn't have a job, she was my only source of income. I got nothing. I sound like a little brat, I did get things but I didn't get as much as my other siblings received and that's including attention. I had absolutely no clothing. I wore the same footwear over and over again until they were disgusting and when it came to attention well I received none. Man I can't even type this down without crying.

I just realized that everything that has been bothering me, making me depressed, this one hurts the most. I thought I was over it but I'm clearly not.

I don't understand why she treats me this way. Why am I ALWAYS put on the back burner? It's not right. Compare to the rest of my siblings I'm probably the most behaved. I never got into trouble when it came to school, never got arrested, never stole from her, never smoked weed and always remained respectful even when I feel like telling people to shut the fuck up. But those good attributes don't matter; Maybe I should start acting out then maybe I will get everything I want.

Seriously WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO TREAT ME THIS WAY? It sucks ass. Every time she asks me for money I give it to her, I buy her things, I do things for her even when I don't fucking want to; yet she treats me like shit. I am going to stop being so nice.

Let me explain to you some low shit she did to me friday. Anyway friday morning before I went to work she asked me to give her the 70 bucks I owed her for my phone bill. Fine, not a problem. I told her I will give it to her when I get home from work. As I'm walking to the train I remembered that my aunt who is 30 fucking years old DO NOT PAY HER PHONE BILL!! SHE PAYS IT FOR HER ALONG WITH MY BROTHER AND SISTER!!!

I get home friday night, she comes into my room and asks for the money. I come out and tell her that I don't think it's fair that she makes me pay for my phone bill but don't go to everyone else and collect their money. I mean come the fuck on, my bill is the lowest at that! Yet here she comes, hitting me up for me. She was like "fine. fine." but I felt bad because I felt as if I was being disrespectful so I ended up giving her the fucking money. She then tried to give it back to me but I told her no it's fine, we had an agreement that if I get a phone under her line I will pay my bill. Fuck what everyone does, I'm going to keep my word. Still she tried to return the money, talking about "I don't want this on me" meaning she doesn't me to talk shit about her. Seriously. If I did talk shit about her, I had the fucking right to. How dare her. If she is going to play favorites then she might not want to make it so obvious; because my feelings are hurting. Then again I feel bad because I feel like on some level I disrespected her, so maybe I should keep my feelings to myself and not make them so obvious that they are hurting.

No fuck that. I've made so much progress, I am not going to go back to how I was feeling before. She is going to hear how I feel about things and maybe, just maybe she will change her ways towards me.

44 days left by the way.