Breaking The Silence

A Piece Of My Mind

2010-01-26T22:11:00.001-05:00

"I'm having a problem within myself. That problem is, I believe I sleep too much and I'm beginning to think that life is passing me by while I rest my eyes. Awhile ago, I use to love to sleep or close my eyes and try to fall asleep because I'm eager to find out where my mind will take me but now I'm finding it extremely hard to escape reality. I'm forced to live in the now and plan for the later. There is no more fantasy. It's time to grow up."

I wrote that awhile ago but again like a lot of my writing, it didn't get finished. And I again, I don't think I am going to finish it. Woot!

Distance Feeling

2010-01-24T20:02:00.002-05:00

I haven't felt this way about a person in a very long time. I'm talking about since 9th grade when the school bully wouldn't leave us the hell alone.

That feeling would be hatred!

Yes, yes I know, hate is a very strong word. So let's call it a strong dislike. I have a strong dislike towards a certain person and it's a weird feeling. I seriously haven't felt this way in such a long time. It feels rather silly and immature and I'm trying so hard to eliminate these feelings but nothing I do, good talks, jokes, I mean nothing I do seems to work. This person has definitely gotten under my skin and I don't like it one bit.

I do not having a problem with pulling certain people out of my life, especially when they're so irrelevant to begin with. I pride myself on having the ability to ignore people and it not having an effect on me at all.

For some reason I can't seem to do this. To be completely honest with you, I think it's because I actually do want to like this person despite my ill feelings. I'm not having much success with this. I can't be fake. I can't ignore the bullshit.

And for some strange reason I feel like I should be the one to call this person out and that's not in my character at all. Come on, timid, shy Oneka, telling someone how full of shit they are? That doesn't sound like me. Usually I could care less but something is yarning inside of me, the need to save those who has fallen victim of this professional bullshitter. I'm over it.

The crazy thing is that I've been trying but it's an uneasy feeling, knowing damn well that I'm not fond of them.

Maybe I'm just being a bitch?

No.

I know exactly what it is, I'm paying these hoes too much attention.

Beautiful

2009-12-29T19:50:00.003-05:00

I went to the movies last night and while waiting for our movie to begin, this trailer came on. All our attention was focus on this preview, I think it's safe to saw that it took our breath away. It's simply beautiful.

As I Think Back

2009-12-13T17:50:00.002-05:00

As I think back

I wonder if I should regret more

I wonder if lessons were ever learned

and if I'm actually moving forward

As I think back

I wonder how I got here

I wonder about my past

and if I should try to remember more

As I think back

I wonder how my life have changed

I wonder about my happiness

And if I am proud of myself

As I think back

I wonder what I've could've done

I wonder how I avoided certain situations

And If I'm content with my decision.

It's that time of the year again.

2009-12-13T17:39:00.002-05:00

It's that time of the year again, I refer to it as my happy time.

But this time of year, I'm not feeling too peachy.

I wouldn't say that the spirit is ruined but when you have a lot of other things on your mind, it can get sort of hard trying to remain happy 24/7.

Though I haven't been writing in my blog, my thoughts are currently in my cell phone, expressing almost everything and everyone I feel uncomfortable about.

I started calling them chapters in my life. So far I'm up to chapter 6 and I'm working on chapter 7 and 8. I'm not too sure if I'm willing to share that though, a lot of it should remain personal.

A lot of things I want to write about should remain personal, especially since people know about my blog.

I know, I know, they aren't sitting by their computer waiting for me to update but still, knowing that people have came across this, read my thoughts is a little more than scary.

But then again this is my blog. For awhile I even considered this my home.

I should be comfortable in my own house. Well that is not the case anymore.

Damn

2009-12-09T23:30:00.002-05:00

Who can you trust if you can't trust your family? People are beginning to show their true colors or maybe they have been I've just been too oblivious to notice it.

I see now and I see clearly.

I'm fed up and I just don't want to care anymore.

I so badly just want to go off right now and it's not the time.

Not yet anyway.

......

2009-12-05T00:06:00.002-05:00

As of right now my life is at a stand still.

Don't worry, I'm in the process of moving pretty soon.

What It Feels Like

2009-10-28T22:32:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I went to take my test to attend school in January. When I stepped into the building I felt a familiar vibe. I watch as the college students pass by and thought to myself, I've seen these people before. I briefly listen in on their conversations and know I've heard this before. I walked to an area where lots of students were seated at, some there to pass time until their next class, other taking their lunch breaks. Sitting at a table, that some feet were propped up on.

I stood there observing.

I watched as one group thought they were cooler than the other groups.

I watched young men walk pass a group of girls, trying to get their attention.

I watched a group of girls walk by with scarfs on their head, indicating that they were having a bad hair done.

I felt as if I've been here before.

Feels like high school all over again.

And a big FUCK YOU for that.

Congrats to Shanay and Meka!

2009-10-27T22:47:00.004-04:00

Why am I congratulating these two? Well because as of last Friday these two love birds got engaged!

And I couldn't be happier! I believe that I'm more excited about it then Shanay is, considering I told just about everyone. If I wasn't at work, tears would had fallen...I kid you not. Hearing about an engagement makes my heart feel at ease. Why? Because it means that love still does exists. That people still believe in spending the rest of their lives with that one person. That they cherish their significant other and appreciate what they have build together and willing to build some more. That there someone for everyone.

Sounds like a fairy tale huh?

I'm not naive. I know to get where they are now, they had to go through their ups and downs, just like every couple. Some ups are awesome and you feel like you're on cloud 9 and the downs can be so extreme that it makes you want to kill yourself.

But what is important to me is that the ups ALWAYS outweigh the downs and that there is more good times, then there is bad. That you're working to keep you two together because you both want it!

You've built a foundation so strong that only the two of you can destroy it.....together.

I can get into a lot more but I won't because then it won't be about Shanay and Meka anymore, it'll be more about my feelings towards my darling. I'm not too sure you guys are ready for that just yet. lol.

So again congrats guys! Nay you're winning at this game called life!

We need this. Our family need this. '09 has definitely been a tough year for us, we need hope.

Thank you guys for giving us that.

Thank you guys for making me believe again.

I wish you two nothing but the best.

Home is where the heart isn't.

2009-10-21T23:56:00.007-04:00

Ever since I was born I had to share a room with someone. At one point we were even sharing beds. Hey, what can I say? Times were rough.

But at this point, I can finally admit that I am tired of sharing.

I'm tired of being interrupted every time I'm in the bathroom. I'm tired of my bedroom door being banged on when it's closed. I'm tired of my personal things being taken without my permission. I'm tired of the other side of the room looking like a complete mess. I'm tired of having to hide my food. I'm tired of having to clean my dishes and everyone else's too.

I want to be able to get on my computer and watch tv at the same time. I want to be able to blast my music as loud as I want. I want to be able to put my food down for a couple of minutes and it remains there the next day. I want to be able to take a 2 hour shower without anyone banging on the door, rushing me to hurry up. Most importantly I want to achieve complete silence. I often need that peace in my mind for a couple of hours. Unfortunately that is difficult when you're living with 6 other people.

As of late, I've been noticing how limited my privacy is. Actually I've been noticing how limited everyone in this house privacy is.

The thing is, I don't think it bothers them as much as it bothers me.

I try not to complain about my living situation because my grandparents has done a lot for us. Putting this amazing roof over our head is one but I am getting older. I am becoming my own person. I am growing. I need room to grow. I need space to progress.

Unfortunately this household is no longer giving me the nourishment's. I might as well be a plant in a closet.

...yeah you see where I'm going with this.

At times it feels like I'm only here to rest my head then I'm up and out the next morning.

It's gotten so bad that my bed doesn't feel the same anymore.

These walls. Well these wall were my best friends. I would often cry to these walls. Punch these walls to release all my frustration. All my built up anger would reflect on these walls. Lately, as I touch them I quickly pull away. Their so cold.

My walls doesn't feel the same anymore.

My home doesn't feel the same anymore.

My heart isn't here anymore.

But like I stated a week or so in my blog, I can't sit here and complain about my living situation. I am my own person. I know what is best for me. My mistakes will be my own fault and I will celebrate my own accomplishments.

I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.

Don't Get it

2009-10-18T21:18:00.001-04:00

Why are you constantly making me feel this way?

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

2009-10-16T01:37:00.002-04:00

I thought when death occurs, it is suppose to make you feel closer to the people around you. Death happened and I never felt so disconnected from the people around me. I honestly don't understand why I'm feeling the way I am.

Yes he was my uncle but I wasn't close to him.

He was married into the family.

And to be completely honest, not too many people took a liken to him.

But for some reason his death is bothering me and I wish I can pin point exactly why. I'm annoyed at everyone, I even snapped at a couple of people today...though I do feel like someone has to tell them about themselves, it wasn't the right time especially since we had company over but it is all build up frustration and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Besides, if people feel like they can talk to you however they want to, especially in front of company I think that it is only right that you let them know, don't let your ego get the best of you. You're not going to talk to me however you want to.

I'm always polite to people. Always. I rarely tell people to shut up and mean it. I don't boss people around. I believe I deserve that respect. Talk to me. Don't yell at me. I'm not your kid. I'm not mommy. I'm not going to put up with your bullshit. I don't feel sorry for you. You can cry a river about all the problems you're having but you're not doing anything about it, you won't get any pity from me.

Stop thinking people owe you anything. They don't owe you a damn thing especially if you're not doing anything to deserve it. You're not a little boy anymore. Grow the fuck up. If you do not like your living situation then do something about it. Make plans to go away to college, look for an apartment, save for an apartment. If you hate that you don't have a room of your own then do some thing about it. Stop sitting here bitching and moaning and feeling sorry for yourself. Stop trying to make your problem everyone's problem.

FUCK!

I'm so upset and I'm not sure why I'm letting this get to me. I'm stuck.

I'm stuck between taking care of myself and taking care of my family.

I've Got Some Issues

2009-10-15T21:35:00.002-04:00

]

"The moon will illuminate my room and soon I'm consumed by my doom"

Rest in peace

2009-10-14T23:28:00.003-04:00

Tonight another family member has passed away. My uncle Steve. May he rest in peace. May peace be given to his wife, my aunt, my grandmother's sister heart. I know she is broken right now.

Death. So much of it is going around lately.

What's the deal...

2009-10-14T18:32:00.003-04:00

I've been having these thoughts lately. Thoughts of finding yourself. My question is, does anyone really find themselves? And if they do, what is life like for them? Do they know their purpose in life? Do they know what makes them truly happy? Does life not have that shock value it once had anymore? Do they just float until.

I have yet to meet anyone who has told me that they found themselves.

I have met a couple of people who would like to but haven't taken any steps. Where do you even begin? Is there like a handbook giving you instructions on what to do to find yourself? If so, then why aren't more people purchasing that book? Why aren't more people trying to find themselves?

I'm sorry. This rant is completely bullshit but it's just something I've been thinking about lately. How to find yourself? What's your purpose in life? What makes someone truly happy? How to achieve long term happiness?

My questions are all over the place but I'm curious. These are questions I want to ask people. These are problems that every human has. These are answers I want.

REAL PEOPLE, REAL PROBLEMS, REAL ANSWERS.

Goodbye to you

2009-10-08T19:18:00.003-04:00

Getting ready for sleepless nights.

Work, school, boyfriend, friends, and all in between.

Good bye sleep.

And yes I realize that this post is pretty pointless but I'm in the process of researching a topic. Bare with me folks.

And here I go

2009-10-04T23:02:00.002-04:00

I have a few people come to me about the lack of posts on my blog. Last year I was greatly involved, this year I'm having a hard time keeping up with it. I'm not too okay with that.

This blog has been my everything.

I finally found a place where I can just say whatever is on my mind, whenever I feel like it.

I get to release it all.

And be proud of my work.

But the biggest thing it has done for me is made me realize my love for writing, of course with the help of my darling.

It helped me realize the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be.

It has made me look at everything in a different light. Everything I encounter is a potential blog post. A potential story.

It makes me want to read books, to learn more, to share knowledge.

This blog is my first love. I don't ever want to let this go.

I can sit here and make thousands of excuses to why I haven't been posting. But at the end of the day, it doesn't make me feel any better.

I have things to write about but to be completely honest, some times I'm too lazy to do the research.

Some times I am afraid to write because I think I won't have anything interesting to say but once I overcome that, my fingers just begin to move at a rapid speed and before I know it, I have paragraphs.

I am afraid because I don't know.

I don't know because I am afraid.

I have this poem, silly little poem, something that I wrote while I was getting my hair chopped off.

Oh! By the way, I totally cut all my hair off but I won't get into that right now, that definitely deserves it's own post but back to the poem. I wrote a poem, some thing I don't normally try to do because I always sound trite but for some reason I actually really like this.

Seeing right through you

thinking maybe I shouldn't

Avoiding the obvious

saying you couldn't

I can't be this naive

maybe I am not naive at all

and it's exactly what it seems

I pride myself on being different

everyone's past experience

has blessed me with wisdom

my views has changed

because my gut doesn't feel it

Is it love?

Or am I wishing?

Goodnight all and and happy October :)

Douche Bag YEEZY!!

2009-09-14T23:11:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I said it.

Douche Bag!

I'm pretty sure you watched the VMAS last night and if you didn't then I'm pretty sure you heard everyone talking about it today. Kanye West made himself look like the biggest dick in the world.

I understand that he has the right to speak his mind but as an adult, he should know that there is a time and place for everything. Going up on stage in the middle of that girl accepting the award to declare his true feelings about the winning was not the time nor was it the place. Fail Kayne. Epic fail. I'm pretty sure he was not the only one who thought that Taylor Swift did not deserve that winning. Personally I thought Lady Gaga should had walked away with it.

I am completely embarrassed by this guy actions and yes it has to do with the fact that he is black. Bad enough I have to deal with the foolery while riding public transportation but to see this on television by a artist I look up to was such a disappointment. Yes, I know Ye is known for speaking his mind but that doesn't make what he did right in any way. He embarrassed the black community. Our black president. Thank you dick head.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people would think I'm getting ahead of myself when I say he disrespected our black community but you have to remember, he is somewhat of an icon to many. To the white kids, who lives in small towns and don't know the actions of black people only from what they hear on the television, they look to Kanye and that's the image they're going to believe. That's how they think black people really act.

I'm pissed because for someone to be educated, so talented, he acted like a ignorant asshole. What a waste. What a waste.

Okay, I'm done ranting about this douche. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a fan just extremely disappointed in his actions.

Random Something

2009-09-13T01:28:00.002-04:00

And I try to speak every word that's on my tongue

I can't let it out

because the feeling in my heart.

I struggle to relief

and to reveal

hidden treasure, buried deep.

I didn't finish it and I don't think I am. This piece is beautiful to me.

I Wasn't Expecting

2009-09-08T19:23:00.003-04:00

We sit in the emergency room, quiet. Confused. Frustrated. Annoyed. Worried. Not knowing how to address the topic, we begin to avoid it with silence. I look around, hoping that something catches my attention until your name is called once again. I see nothing. I hear nothing. I feel everything.

I look over at you once again, wanting so badly to make eye connect. Connection of any sort. Nothing. You’re empty. Oh so it seems. I’m full and ready to burst.

I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take these emotions that I’m trying so hard to keep under control. Know how I feel and tell me you feel the same. Speak, cave in. Look at me, speak. Nothing.

You’re empty. I’m full, in the process of spilling over.

Then I burst. Giving you a huge part of myself.

I couldn’t breathe. “Good thing we’re already in a hospital” I think to myself.

I wasn’t expecting to receive CPR without actually receiving CPR. I wasn’t expecting them to care for my wound, that I never had. I wasn't expecting painkiller, to kill this pain. I wasn't expecting my doctor to look the way he did.

As we walk out of emergency room together, I think to myself "I got saved, without dying. You saved my life"

And so...

2009-09-03T20:33:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting at my living room table after stuffing my face with pizza, trying to figure out what to write about.

I'm drawing a blank. It's funny because right before I go to bed I can think of a million things to write about, while I'm on the train too but when I sit here and press my fingers against these key, they don't seem to leave the cap lock button.

There are some things I want to write about but I can't, not yet anyway. So I won't.

You know what I've been thinking of doing lately? I've been thinking about writing a story. I started a little piece a couple of weeks ago but never finished it, then I started another piece and of course didn't finish that either. I'm not too sure what I want to write about but I do indeed want to take a stab at it. I'm definitely going to put more thought into it.

Let's see how this turns out.

"Fame is a drug" so dope!

2009-09-02T22:05:00.004-04:00

I was on the Drake fan site and saw this post.

I think this is the most creative piece I've seen in a long time. So witty, so clever.

Wonder if they have it in my size.

"Successful" video

2009-09-01T23:56:00.003-04:00

It's only right that I returned with a post about Drake.

He has been making so much process. I'm not going to lie, it's getting sort of hard to keep up with. But as a true fan, I will not give up.

Here is his new video "Successful". I swear I first saw this on 106 and park and every since then it played 4 times on a number of different channels.

It is crazy to see how far he has came. I swear, I'm so proud of my baby.

Let's go Drake!!! You already know I'm 100% behind you!

Summer is over!

2009-09-01T23:55:00.001-04:00

YES!!!!

Hi, I know i've been missing. :)

Around the world and back

2009-08-09T22:47:00.003-04:00

"I'm just tryna change the color on ya mood ring"-Kanye West

Ok, well not around the world but Atlantic city definitely. Thanks to my baby, I spend my birthday weekend walking on the broad walk, enjoying the carefree life. Amazing. I'm not going to say much about the trip well because what happens in Atlantic city, stays in Atlantic city. Haha, I'm pretty sure your imagination is running wild right now. Save it, get your mind out of the gutter. I'm with a gentlemen and I'm a lady...a classy lady, when I'm not drunk....

Lol, okay I'm done teasing. I had a great time in Atlantic city because of him. No one has ever done anything like this for me before, so this weekend meant the whole world to me. If you're reading this darling, thank you so much for everything! I know you told me no thanks are needed but it's definitely needed as well as praise. You're entitled to know what an amazing person you are. I cherish that. I cherish you, more than you know. So again, thank you. Thank you veddy much.

BACKKKK!!

2009-08-03T22:04:00.004-04:00

Yes, I am back like cook crack. Bet you didn't know that they did that. Haha, that rhymes. But moving on, oh how I've missed you so! It's been so long and I am not going to lie, it felt quite empty without you. All my emotions are currently bottled up, due to the fact that I thought it would be a smart idea to take a break from you. Never again. I'm so on it!!!

I don't know exactly where to begin but a lot has been happening. Not productive, yet life altering. I really want to write about the fact that I'll be turning 20 Friday. Yes, you read correctly. I will be turning 20 this Friday!!!!! For those of you who don't know me personally, I hate my birthday. I never ever EVER look forward to a birthday, not even my 18th but I am extremely excited about this one and not only because I plan on spending it with my special someone because it actually means something to me. I'm not just turning another year older or the fact it means I'll only have one more year until I can drink, legally. What it means to me, responsibility. It means, I'm finally take full control of my life...MY LIFE! Every decision will be mine. Every accomplishment will be mine. Every failure will be mine. No one can tell me what to do. I no longer have to answer to anyone. This is my world, you bitches are just living in it.

2009-07-12T09:01:00.001-04:00

Yeah if you haven't noticed I'm taking a break. Be back in august :)

Everything I'm not

2009-07-04T00:54:00.005-04:00

Self control is the key to life. Once you've learned to perfect it, you choose your destiny.

That is something I thought of on my own while analyzing a few things I have going on in my life. A few things that I am not too happy about and wish to change, yet lack the self control to handle it.

I've been writing a lot in my phone as of late, life inspiring pieces that I believe have potential. None of them are completed, seeing that I tend to get distracted and start writing another piece. One day I will share.

Random note, I'm sitting in my living room with the lights off just the glow from the tv and my computer screen sets and I swear I just saw someone. Very scary. Any normal person would go ahead to turn on a light but I understand that when it comes to imagination, you can only see what you WANT to see. Get it?

New Beginning

2009-07-02T00:58:00.002-04:00

"People only want the results of success and don't understand that its the journey that get you there!"

a quote that I came across on twitter. Things are going to change. I need to make a change. My journey needs to begin now and I know its not going to be easy but I'm going to find some thing that I enjoy. Something that is going to be my escape from this life. The journey begins now. G'night.

P.S. I think someone stole my fucking camera!!!!!!! wtf!

"Best I Ever Had" VIDEO!

2009-07-02T00:33:00.003-04:00

lmao well this sure has lighten up my mood. Not quite sure what to think of it. Definitely wasn't what I expected though. Totally different. Kudos to Ye for being different but I think he lost a lot of people with this one.

And wtf is up with the big breasted women in this video!?!

I need

2009-07-01T21:56:00.003-04:00

In my last post that I decided to delete I stated that I feels like I'm missing something and I don't know what it is. I feel so out of place right now, like everything that happening right now should be happening but I'm not suppose to be here. It's a weird feeling. I need an answer to a very important question, problem is I don't know what the question is. I need some thing right now, I just not too sure what I need. Or maybe I need someone and that someone is nowhere to be found. Who the fuck knows what's going on anymore. People are dying left and right, no one is who they really seem, shit never goes according to fucking plan and you're going to end up getting hurt even when you do everything in your power to protect yourself. What the hell is the point of life? If everything about it is so negative. Constant negativity, temporary happiness. Why would anyone want to live through that? It's breaking my spirits down. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I need to be doing something. Something productive. Something great. Something that I can enjoy and wouldn't mind partaking in this fucked up world only because I'm doing what I love. I need a reason to be here. A reason to keep me smiling even when the rest of my day seems to be horrendous. I want that so bad.

Everything I'm not./Oneka's piece

2009-06-28T00:07:00.004-04:00

As I sit on this train, surrounded by most of New York worse I try to shift my attention to what is in front of me. I'm currently ranting about how ghetto black people tend to be during the hot weather when I begin to hear "Nigga! Nigga! Nigga!" from close by. As I look up, I spot them or parts of them considering the crowd of people that were standing in front of me blocked my view. What I stumble upon doesn't surprise me. They're exactly what I thought they would be. With that I begin to look at the piece I just started, slightly distracted. I then begin to wonder do they realize how stupid they sound? Why must they repeat nigga 5o times? As if we didn't hear them the first 29 times they shouted it. Do me a favor and shut the fuck up! There are a millions of words in the dictionary. I'm sure you can find a couple of hundred words to substitute the word nigga.

Random thought. Instead of giving out free condoms, I think people should start giving out dictionaries. hmmm, what do you think?

R.I.P MICHAEL JACKSON

2009-06-26T23:20:00.002-04:00

I'm at a lost of words. :(

Long live the king

Quick Rant

2009-06-20T23:38:00.003-04:00

Why are people so unfair? Why can't people treat others the same way they want to be treated? Fucking assholes.

Slacker

2009-06-16T20:45:00.002-04:00

So I slacked today. I've been in bed all day...What an exciting life I live, right? Yeah I know, I'm the worse. I'm about to head in the shower though, maybe that will make me feel better about wasting a day doing absolutely nothing. Hmm, we'll see.

I'll be back later.

Quote Before Bed (QBB)

2009-06-16T02:33:00.002-04:00

I'm going to drop this quote before I make an attempt to head to bed.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Think about it. Goodnight

Just Because...

2009-06-16T00:53:00.003-04:00

Because I have been sleeping all day, I'm going to be up all night...bummer, considering some thing is bothering me and all I want to do is sleep it off, so that tomorrow I can continue my day and won't have to think about but I was tired today and had the worse headache, so whatever. I'll just blog my little heart out, read gossip blogs, and watch re-runs of "true blood" and season 2 of "Dexter".

Before I go any further with this post, I want to congratulate the Lakers for winning the championship game last night. There was no doubt in my mind that they weren't going to take it this year. I felt like Kobe and Phil Jackson really needed this one without Shaq. Haha reading that paragraph you would swear that I was into sports. Not really. I actually didn't watch one full game during the finales, only because I knew that the magics couldn't match up. Kobe alone could have handled the magics, but add the extra players...blow out!!! It wouldn't had been an exciting game at all, especially when it's so predictable. That doesn't take away from the fact that I think Dwight Howard is a sexy beast! *drools a little*

Alright onto the topic at hand. Actually there isn't anything in specific that I want to talk about. Just random bullshit. Today or should I say yesterday (considering it's 1:08 in the morning) was a pretty dull, stupid day. I went to work, on time after calling out yesterday due to a little stomach ache..... and in my mind I'm saying to myself "okay, I'm going to bust this shit out because I know I have a lot of work to tend to." Within the hour of sticking to my normal routine, my manager starts giving a bunch of random shit to do. Completely threw me off my game. At the end of the day, nothing was completed. She had to actually help me finish up my work which annoys me slightly because it's MY WORK! Though I know it was her only trying to help me so we both can get out of there at a decent time. But to me, my job is more than a place to make money, it's a place where I'm always challenging myself and pushing myself to the limit. There is times where I know I take on too much. For example, trying to reconcile the day, while answering phone calls for catering, then counting money while promising some one I was going to fix their time, faxing over some thing to some one, while making copies that is much needed...that's a fucking lot! But I take it voluntary because again I like pushing the limit. I want to know my breaking point. So far it hasn't happened. Today one of my managers asked me do I ever get pissed off by the job and joking I told him I do but only express it when I'm home by kicking down walls or beating my little sister up. The honest truth is, when it comes to the amount of workload I'm given, I never stressed out about it...even when there are times where I should be freaking the hell out, I remain calm, level headed. My theory is when you begin to stress out, you're only setting yourself up for failure. In your mind everything is out of order and there is no way you can fix it and even there is a possibility of fixing the situation you will not be able to because you're not thinking clearly. I vow to never let anything at my workplace stress me out to the point where I can't put it into perspective. I want to always be able to fix a situation, no matter how bad it is. So yeah, I guess I did get a little overwhelmed, considering I had a hell of a headache when I left or it can be the lack of water.

Speaking of water I'm seriously slacking. All I have been drinking lately is soda...pepsi to be more exact. I tried to drink some ice tea but it was hot as fuck, didn't taste too good. So I came home, ate my food and went straight to bed. Not too sure how long I slept for but it was for a long ass time. It remains me of the time where I would come straight home from school, eat noodles and just pass the fuck out. Aww, how I don't miss those days. At all. Man I fucking hated high school. I hate everything high school represents. It's clearly not about learning when you're there. It was a fashion show, a hollywood party, a gossip column, a dating place...everything I was not into at the time. I could talk about how much I hate high school for days and it will probably be the best piece I have ever written. I'm lying.

Dude I wish I could sleep! There is nothing to fucking do and I need to sleep so I can get up early to hand in my application. Doesn't look like that is going to happen, seeing that I need to fill out a lot of stupid information and whatnot. I heard applying was the hardest part, so I'm not going to rush it or expect everything to fall into place at a certain time. I'll just let it flow. I'll probably just end up going to the library and taking a few pictures. Clear my mind, start working towards a better future. No more slacking!!

Mary J calling Drake a SAVIOR!

2009-06-15T00:11:00.004-04:00

Coming from the queen herself. That's huge! And you know what? She is absolutely right. Not only are we being disrespected by these guys but we are beginning to disrespect ourselves as well. The disrespect is all around us. On the radio, in music videos, in tv shows, movies and most importantly our homes, we can't seem to get away from it. How are we suppose to act or think differently when we're surrounded by such negative messages? So big up to Mary J, big up to Drake! It's time to make music fun again and begin respecting us women.

P.S. there is a lot more I want to say about this subject but True blood is on and I really need to head to bed afterward. I will definitely pick up where I left off.

Goodnight.

Word has it...

2009-06-14T19:32:00.002-04:00

That Drake in NYC shooting the video for "Best I Ever Had"

You already know I can't wait for this one!

That will be all.

P.S I'm bored...Can't you tell?

Drake's Verse is HOT

2009-06-14T17:05:00.005-04:00

Watch my future hubby rip it on Conan O'Brian's show with Jamie Foxx.

(Fast forward to 2:46 for Drake's part)

He murdered it!!!!!!

One line that stood out to me though "I remember Stacey, she use to hate me...."

Hmm, wonder if he is talking about his ex co-star Stacey Farber?

Rumors has it that those two have been together at one point....Yes, people I know I'm reaching but I use to be a huge Jimmy/Ellie shipper as well as a Aubrey/Stacey shipper, so sue me!

Speaking of Stacey Farber, the ex Degrassi star hasn't fallen off the face of the earth just yet. She has a new show coming out this summer called "18 to Life" due to premiere on CBC...I have no idea what channel CBC is on considering we have a whole new cable system..Verzion to be more exact. I don't know any channels, so I'm just sticking with demands

Phone post #2

2009-06-13T02:37:00.002-04:00

I should be sleeping but I'm too wired up to sleep...i should probably shower then....but I'm too tired to shower so I'm getting up extra early to shower...hey a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do. I had a fucking wonderful night with the boyfriend. Man I cannot wipe this stupid smirk off of my face. Rtxfhket..those random letters are expressing my excitment and lost of words at this moment. I seriously need to head to bed though. Gnight!

Nasty, icky feelings

2009-06-12T01:27:00.005-04:00

He is fucking amazing!!!

^^^ you're probably thinking "whoa random!" and very strange. Yeah, I know. I have a very hard time expressing my feelings towards others and I use to think that it was a good thing. The ability of not letting people in or expressing myself gives them little room to hurt my feelings. The disability I'm not able to express myself to him...letting him know that I am not some heartless, emotionless bitch.

Hmm, there are some things I need to work on but until then goodnight!

Oh and btw "Hangover" was funny ass hell!!! Should definitely go see it if you haven't already.

I Don't Know.

2009-06-10T21:49:00.003-04:00

Damn I fell off, sorry about that. I seriously don't know what happened that stopped me from blogging..it's been 10 days!! Wow...I fell off but I'm back again and making the commitment to try to post at least once a day......

I had to put the "....." because I don't believe it myself but I am going to try to be more consistent with blogging. I promise :)

A lot has been going on within the last 10 days, nothing monumental but an eye opener. I had to quit my lessons due to the lack of money. Bummer. I really wanted to stick with it this time but the odds were against me. I work all the time, hardly having time to practice and I couldn't afford it. I didn't plan it out well or at all. I just jumped into unprepared and this is my results. Hopefully when I get my money right, I'll be able to return. They haven't seen the last of me.

I've also went down to BMCC to grab up an application for school...now the only thing I have to do is submit it. I'm excited! Unlike jumping into piano I have actually planned this out. I'm only going to take up 1 class which will be a math class because math is my worse subject and I'll take it during night and not on my days off or on the weekend. I'm definitely prepared and can't wait!

There is nothing too exciting going on with me though....I'm having a little issue which I feel is going to become a bigger issue if I don't take care of it but other than that everything is all good. As good as their going to get, I guess. *shrugs*

Alright I'm going to take a shower and get ready for work in the AM.

OH EM GEE

2009-05-31T14:27:00.003-04:00

I can't believe that the Cavs lost to the Magics...guess my Lebron vs Kobe match up won't be happening this year :(

Better luck next season Cavs

And I don't care what anyone say, Dwight Howard is sexy!!!!

off to subway to get me some food, I'll be back later.

Another Great Night

2009-05-30T02:47:00.003-04:00

Hand in hand, our shoulders even at length as the feet begin to move in a perfect motion as the off again on again feather rain drops upon us. Nothing is running out of our mouths, but the mind we seem not to control. Feeding off the positive energy, the vibe, the atmosphere, undertaking this very moment. We speak so less but our mind say it all. We are where we should be.

Hello there again. Yes it is I, reporting to you at 2:52 AM. I just got in 52 minutes ago and before I decided to dabble with the computer I took a shower, grabbed some junk food and try to find something on television. Tonight was a great night, just like all my nights with him :). We ate, we walked, we walked some more and some more and some more, we stopped and got our palms read which was interesting, seeing that I have never gotten my palm read before and always thought I would be against it after hearing about certain stories, but I went for it and for the most part she "read" nothing but positive things. Again we walked, we walked some more, got lost, turned around, walk some more and finally reached our destination which is considered our spot.

I had a terrific day today though I still have ill feelings towards the job, I've been very positive lately and refuse to let something at my job ruin that. Better luck next time :)

Alright I should hit the hay...hit the hay? Who say things like that? I do. Remember I'm lame but before I go I wanted to share a quote about music, something I thought was appropriate with everything that happened tonight.

"Music is the outburst of the soul"

inspiration Found!

2009-05-29T01:48:00.003-04:00

I have to be inspired to actually blog at 1:53 in the morning, knowing that I have to get up for work in a few hours but I thought it was important that I document this. Tonight while walking from a random art gallery we so happened to stumble upon, he made me realize what I'm doing at this exact moment is my talent.

Thank you.

inspiration needed.

2009-05-27T20:18:00.002-04:00

Lately I haven't been inspired to do anything. I haven't been taking pictures, I haven't been looking up schools to attend this fall, I haven't been careful my money, I haven't been going over my music, my days off consist of lying in bed all day with my laptop in front of me and looking up gossip blogs about celebrities. My last 2 posts proves this. The last book I read was "flowers in the attic", I have no money saved and I definitely haven't been enthusiastic about going to work. I've been extremely lazy and easily distracted. I wish I could identify what's causing me to feel this way but my mind is a total blank and if I can't identify the cause then how am I ever going to fix it or prevent it from happening again?

Maybe I'm thinking way too hard about this. I'm probably feeling this way because my period is coming, lol. Or maybe HE has me so distracted that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Or it could be that I am recovering from this disgusting cold or the lack of vitamin's I have been consuming. Who knows. All I know is that I am need of inspiration and I'm not too sure where I should look to seek it. Help me damnit!!

On another note my mother is back! Usually around this time each year herself, her best friend (whom is my aunt) and my biological grandfather take a trip down south. I'm not too sure where they go exactly or what they do but when she leaves we sure as hell miss her. The house isn't the same without her. No cooked meals, no one is really home, kitchen stays a fucking mess, people usually runs out of money and there is usually a fight within a few of the family members. Most recent, my grandfather and his two daughters. Yes you heard right! My brother, nor I or my sister indulged in a fight this weekend while my mom was away! Shocked!? Yes, I am too. I'm not even going to get into what the fight was about. Matter of fact, I will. Money, money, money!!! My grandfather money goes missing and think it's my aunt who stole it. He goes and tell his oldest daughter in confidence about the situation and what does this conniving lady do? Tell her!!! So of course my aunt goes off on my grandfather, talking about she doesn't need to steal anything from him.....blah, blah, blah...this, that and the third. From my understanding he doesn't say much when she goes off. In his mind she stole the money and nothing she say is going to change his mind. Later that night I go into his bedroom and give him a couple of dollars so that he can get to work the next day, he thanks me and then explains the situation. I can't help but notice how sad he looks. He doesn't look like he wants to fuck up the world but more disappointed than anything. So messed up. I have my personal opinion about the whole situation but I won't express it just yet. What I have openly expressed though is the disappointment in aunt mickey and the fact that she would do such a thing knowing it is going to cause more harm than good. I seriously want to understand what was going through her head when she felt the need to tell her sister that. She knew the outcome couldn't be a good one and she knew that someone would get hurt by it. What I want to understand is which one of them was she trying to hurt? I'm so glad that my grandfather stayed cool through the whole situation when she was breaking down because believe me knowing how hot headed he is, it could've been a lot worse.

The drama never ends. I need to escape this.

Oh Brother...

2009-05-27T00:22:00.003-04:00

Don't want to address the situation just yet but I will let you know it's going to be a hell of a summer. A little drama never hurt anyone, right? Yeah okay, that's until you fuck with the wrong person. I have a low tolerance for bullshit and rarely care about people feelings nowadays, especially when they're trying to downplay my intelligences. All I'm going to state is, YOU'RE NOT SLICK, BITCH!

that's all for now. Goodnight.

throws up a little in my mouth

2009-05-26T17:42:00.002-04:00

Is he serious?! You can't be serious!!! Am I suppose to be turned on by this? Tempted?! Does he really think what he is doing is sexy?! Someone, anyone, kill this dude!! My god!!! If he didn't know he was gay, after watching this video it should answer all of his lingering questions about his sexuality. He does it better than a female...not attractive and dude has the nerves to wear pink panties. lmao jesus!

Megan Fox is a nutcase..AND THE COOLEST CHICK EVER!

2009-05-26T00:34:00.002-04:00

I'm reading a blog where they have Megan's Fox 10 most outrageous quotes. I've never paid attention to this chick before until Drake mentioned her as one of his crushes (grrrr to him) but after reading these quotes, I'm convinced she is the coolest celebrity ever! I'm in tears!

Read a few.

Megan Fox on Her ‘Brian’ Tattoo”
I wouldn’t regret [my "Brian" tattoo] if we weren’t together. I can always have a kid and name him Brian. There are options.”
- FHM, June 2007

Megan Fox On Vocabulary
“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson – who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve every learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’ I don’t want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I’m not a retard – but I do. And part of it is my own fault.”
- Esquire Magazine, June 2009

LMFAOOO

Megan Fox on High School Musical
“Ok, well let me tell you what [High School Musical] is really about. High School Musical is about this group of boys who are all being molested by the basketball coach, who is Zac Efron’s dad. It’s about them struggling to cope with this molestation. And they have these little girlfriends, who are their beards. Oh, and somehow there’s music involved. You have to get stoned to watch it.
- Esquire Magazine, June 2009

lmfao my god. This made my night.

I'm BACKKK

2009-05-22T22:54:00.005-04:00

I'm still in the "too good to be true" state of mind.

I know I've been seriously slacking with the lack of blog posts and whatnot. To be completely honest I've been slacking on a lot of things. But some thing inside of me is telling me it's going to change. I'm going to be back to my old self in no time. I've been distracted from life lately, some may see that as a bad thing but it's wonderful. Let's face it, reality sucks

Dude random, WHY MUST PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO FUCKING BLAST THEIR MUSIC WHEN THEY'RE DRIVING IN THEIR CAR FOR THE WORLD TO HEAR!?!?!?

what makes you think everyone wants to listen to what you're fucking listening to, assholes.

Okay, I'm done. Going to continue to sip on this hot tea hoping that it will magically make my cold disappear. Speaking of, this cold I have really fucked shit up. Rosemomma is away for a couple of days and instead celebrating, I'm here in bed nursing it. How annoying. I don't even want to be around people because I'm afraid that I might give them the cooties.

Before I got, I want to "WTF" a couple of things.

DRAKE HOOKING UP WITH RIHANNA WTF!!!!

THE CELTICS LOSING TO MAGICS WTF!!!!

I'm trying to make sense of both situations but keep failing. Please someone come with an answer and maybe I can deal with it.

maybe.

Oh btw, the job that I use to love so much is starting to suck. I'm so disappointed. Yes, that's all I'm going to say about that situation.

Ok, I'm really leaving this time but before I go I wanted to leave a quote.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending"

-Maria Robinson

Think about it. Goodnight

failure

2009-05-15T22:35:00.002-04:00

Again I'm sorry for the lack of post. A lot of things has been happening and I haven't been able to have any time to myself. Oh how I miss it :(

I'll be back to blogging about pointless shit once I figure out how to manage this social life thing, lol.

Connection

2009-05-12T00:24:00.005-04:00

CONNECTION

I can feel it

this smile, I smile

is your smile

these eyes that light up

when the lights are up

is your lit eyes

i can feel it

this hair, when it undone

in need of chemicals

thick, wild, undone hair

is your hair

I can feel it

my face may resemble his

but my wide smile is yours

my lit up eyes are yours

my nappy hair is yours

my need to give up is yours

I can feel it.

QBB # 3

2009-05-11T22:37:00.004-04:00

Here is one I had on myspace a couple of years back.

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching"

Take it in.

I love you mommy

2009-05-10T19:02:00.003-04:00

I'm the worse daughter right now. I didn't get my mother anything for mother's day nor have I taken her out. Working and hanging out has left me with little to no time with my mom. Man, I feel so bad right now.

Words can not describe how much I love and appreciate that woman and it's sad that even on mother's day I fail at showing her.

Blah. I suck at life.

And sorry for the lack of post, especially with the quotes. I haven't really been home all weekend and now I'm lying in bed trying to make my headache go away when I really should be up and cleaning. Man, tuesday can not come fast enough.

I'll be back later.

Quote Before Bed (QBB)

2009-05-06T23:27:00.003-04:00

I've been trying to find a quote that is going to top the pervious one but at this moment, while I scroll through a bunch, nothing seems to pop out to me. So instead of just putting a quote to have a quote on my page I'm going to post the pervious one. I don't know what it is but it really speaks to me.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself"

-George Bernard Shaw

Again, think about it people.

Goodnight.

Drake doing the stinky leg

2009-05-05T23:55:00.002-04:00

I think the stinky leg has to be one of the dumbest songs that has ever come out in america and the dance is even worse but Drake actually makes it look cool!

Read My Mind

2009-05-05T23:27:00.008-04:00

As I stated earlier, the Him that I would make a terse comment about from time to time was finally about to get revealed on my blog in terms of feelings and whatnot, well people I'm backing out. And no it's not because someone said that I was obsessed with him, lmao. Which I'm not! It is because if I write about him, then it's real. By it, I mean my feelings and I'm not sure if I'm okay with that.

So instead of boring you all with icky feelings, I'm going to post a few random pictures. They won't be interesting either but hey we can pretend, right? Right!

Life Is A Drag

2009-05-05T13:34:00.005-04:00

My current facebook status is "It's way too many people here on my day off.", expressing my frustration with being surrounded about people even if these people are my family members. I can't think clearly because they're loud voices are blocking the process. I'm around people 5 days a week, I look forward to my 2 days off where I can isolate myself from humans altogether and be by myself and think in peace, especially since I feel I've been disconnected from life lately. I can thank that to a certain someone who has been occupying my thoughts.

Speaking of that certain someone, I've decided to finally talk about him on my blog that is. Since I don't trust anyone else to explain my situation to without having to hear their advice or their comments, I'm going to let it all out on my blog. It's not as if I don't have people I can talk to but all I want to do is talk while they listen. Just listen to what I have to say...help me get my frustration out and hopefully I can put everything in perspective on my own. Unfortunately that is impossible now and days because everyone wants their voices to be heard. Make them feel significant in one way or another, I guess.

I won't talk about him now because I'll probably get so wrapped up in the post and before I know it, it's 3:00pm and I have to get ready for my lesson. Expect the post when I get home though.

Alright, I'm out for a couple of hours. I should be studying these notes before I actually go to class, don't want the teacher to think I'm a slacker, though I have a legit reason why I haven't been studying. I work 50 hours a week and my mom stole my book, lol. Excuses already, I know.

Also I'm going to repost the quote from last night because I think it speak the truth.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself"

Think about it.

Quote Before Bed (QBB)

2009-05-05T00:30:00.004-04:00

We all know how much I love inspirational quotes. I use to post them on my blog all the time but I wasn't dedicated, hence the lack of quotes. Well I'm back at it again and this time it won't be called "quote of the day" since I never have a specific time where I sit down and blog, it just happens especially before I head to bed. This is where the new name comes from. "QBB:" Quotes before bed...Clever right?

I know.

Well I'm about to head to bed and before I go I wanted to leave you all with a quote by George Bernard Shaw.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
-George Bernard Shaw

Thank You God

2009-05-04T23:29:00.004-04:00

Once again I have been struck with reality. At work, trying to finish payroll up my manager casually comes up to me and asks if I can find an employee's number since my sister wasn't coming in due to a car accident. My first reaction was "WHAT!?", i can feel my eyes popping out of my eyes. He informed me that she was okay but of course I didn't believe him. Besides he's new, what the fuck does he know about my sister. Even if there is no scratches on her, I know she's hurt emotionally. I grab my phone and the first person i call is my mother. After speaking to her, I come to the conclusion that she doesn't know much about the situation. At this point I'm not sure as to what I should do. Continue to work and wait until I hear from her or leave the building. I couldn't go back to work though, the thought of my sister being hurt bothered me too much. I wouldn't be able to focus. I walk over to the general manager, who has a lot more sense than the new manager and let her know that I was going to leave. Before I could even finish my sentence she tells me to go. Oh how i love this lady. I ran to the back, call a cab and grab my things, heading towards the doors. My employee noticed that I was leaving in such a rush and asked me what was going on, I told them that my sister just got into a car accident. They pretty much freak out as much as I did when I heard the news. I told them that i will inform them once I know where she is and if she was alright. I walk out, the light rain drizzle hitting my face I stand in front of my job waiting for a cab. I then look over my shoulder and notices a familiar face. It's Meagan, the girl who works upstairs. She telling me to relax and try to see if i can get in contact with my sister. I do. It goes to voicemail. I'm freaking out even more while she is telling me to breath through my mouth out through my nose. I do while dialing the number again. Voicemail. At this moment all I can think about is her being in the ambulance alone, shaken up, frighten. Meagan is talking to me, trying to get me to relax. I can't. All these horrible thoughts are racing through my mind every fucking second. I can't focus. Until I hear my phone go off and see her name. I pick up the phone, she speaks her voice cracking. I sigh of relief but still very wary about her condition. I must have asked her if she is okay about 5 times before I let her complete her sentence. I told her that I was in front of the job waiting for the cab, I asked her where does she wants me to meet her. She tells me she is in the tow truck and gives me the address. I'm already at ease once I here that she is in a tow truck rather than a ambulance. She gives me the address and I tell her that I'll meet her there.

I pull up in front of the building to where she is standing, her arms are folded, her hood is on while the rain keeps coming down. At first I thought she was going to hop in the cab with me so I can take her home but she told me that her boyfriend was coming to get us. I pay my cab driver, thank him and jump out. There is where I see the little white Nissan, once called her "little white bitch" completely smashed! From the back to the front. Then I look over at my sister, no scar, no neck brace, completely unharmed. I can't help but thank god. I didn't even want to ask what happened, I don't like picturing my strong older sister defenseless, helpless. Just the thought of it makes me stomach hurt. A couple of minutes pass by and her boyfriend pulls out. He hops out of his car and walks over to her. They embrace in a small hug before she begins to apologize. He tells her not to worry about it, as long as she was alright. And again, thank god that she was because by the look of that car, man insane. Lucky enough that no one bumped into her or that she didn't hit another car because then it would had been disgusting. Again thank you god. We stayed at the tow place for about 45 minutes, getting everything out of her car and putting it into his, filling out papers and paying for it to be junked. After we were done, she decides that she doesn't need to go to the hospital, instead she wants to head over to BBQ's for a drink, lol. Unfortunately, her boyfriend couldn't come with us so he drops us off at the bus stop and we head over to the BBQ's so she can drink her problems away. We eat, we talk, we laugh, she's drunk, we head home. I love my sister so much and so happy she is okay.

Blogging from my phone BITCHES!

2009-05-04T14:44:00.003-04:00

Just seeing if this works.

Random shots

2009-04-29T18:33:00.006-04:00

And when I say random, I mean random..Still new at this.

American Eagle loves ME!!!!!!

2009-04-29T17:41:00.004-04:00

Oh how I love this store! And apparently they love me too!!

Note: That is actually an American Eagle sweater I'm wearing

Ummm stop stalking me.

2009-04-29T17:01:00.004-04:00

A week ago, not too sure of the exact date I was walking down a certain busy street. I'm not going to state which street because we all know that the Internet is full of weirdos! But as I was walking down the busy street, with my ear phones on, listening to Danity Kane (yes I even remembered who I was listening to at the time) I feel a light tap on my shoulder. At first I was going to ignore the tap but the traffic light had just turned green and the person was standing right beside me. So instead of pretending that I didn't feel a thing, I turn around to see a guy about my height smiling at me. What do I do? Roll my eyes and curse him for interrupting my Danity Kane or look at him in disgust and turn my head. None of the above were my actions. I'm polite and so the polite thing to do was to flash a smile back. Mistake number 1. By smiling back he thought it was an invitation that I wanted to converse with him. He gestured that I take my earphones off, not getting the hint I was at all interested in what he had to say. So what do I do? Continue to listen to Danity Kane and walk off as if he never mean to gain my attention or snap my fingers, add in an eye roll and yell "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU INTERRUPTED MY DANITY KANE!!" None of thee above. Instead being the polite young lady that I am I took my ear phones off. Mistake number 2. Wait...wait! I only took one out, so that is actually mistake number 1 1/2! So anyway as we're walking, he is talking. As I sit here, I'm trying to remember all that we've talked about....Fail. I don't remember one thing expect the "do you have a man" question. I simply answered his question by saying "I don't do boyfriends" and while I tried to leave it at that he continued. As he spoke, I half nodded my head, try to smile knowing that it was a strain and act as if I was at all interested in what he had to say. Because I wasn't paying too much attention to what he was saying some how I ended up giving him my phone number!!!!!! Yucky!

Now it's a week later and he has called countless time, of course I haven't picked up. I'm famous for giving people my number and have no desire to pick up the phone when they actually do call, until yesterday. He sneak attacked me with a text message. I always answer my text messages, especially if I don't know who it is because I didn't save his number he caught me!!!

HIM: Wat up baby girl?
ME: Who is this?
HIM: Daewon...i seen ya pretty self in front of Mickey D'z on saturday...remember?
ME: Ohh I remember haha. Can I hit u back up later? My favorite show is on lol
HIM: KK...but call me hun. i'm bout 2 watch sum tv 2

.....3 hours later
HIM: Damn hun...u 4got about me?

.....this afternoon

HIM: Ok...do u wanna talk 2 me or not? Cuz u gave me ur #..now i'm confused

I never texted him back and by that he won't be confused anymore. I'm not interested dude!!!! Leave me the hell alone!!!

Lesson to self: Stop giving random scary dude your phone number!

Cassie Steele's new music video

2009-04-29T11:28:00.002-04:00

Another Degrassi alumni taking a shot at the music industry. This is actually Cassie's second attempt to break into the music world. She dropped her first official album back in 2005 called "How much for Happiness" which wasn't half bad, though she didn't go far. Now she is back at it again with a song and video called "Mr. Colson" not bad, not bad at all. I find myself relating to this song. Maybe I'll start listening to her new material after all.

What?

2009-04-24T21:06:00.003-04:00

I really want to explain the situation with a guy I'm seeing but I don't know the situation. We hung out yesterday and I had fun with him. I always have fun with him but the question I constantly ask myself...is this going anywhere?

Feels Good....

2009-04-23T00:15:00.004-04:00

My last 2 days have been pretty productive. I usually spend my two days off doing absolutely nothing but for the past 2 days I've been in and out of the house. Feels good doing some thing productive with spare time. Life is too short. I surely don't want to waste it. Beside I've been telling myself to go hard. Work hard. Eventually my hard work will pay off and I can enjoy the time I have off. I'm loving my life and the people in it. Mainly my mother. I love that woman to death, I don't know what I'd do without her. She rocks my world.

Alright. I think I'm going to call it a night, although I am not at all tired...I still have to get up for work in the morning. :)

Goodnight all and God bless.

On My Grind pt 2

2009-04-22T10:11:00.004-04:00

Yes. Beautiful isn't it? To be honest, I completely suck but I'm working at it. Keep a look out for some photos. I have to shoot some flowers for my Aunt's project in a couple of days. Let's see how that turns out.

On My Grind pt 1

2009-04-22T00:20:00.003-04:00

Guess who signed up for piano lessons today?!

That's right. ME!!

I'm so broke

2009-04-19T14:29:00.002-04:00

Seriously. I don't even have enough money to get my nappy ass hair done! Fucking tv!

Good Talks. Better Understandings.

2009-04-19T10:53:00.004-04:00

Yesterday must had been the day of good talks. I had one with one of my coworker who is on the verge of becoming one of my best friends and also my Aunt, whom I've been skeptical about for years. I'll tackle the talk with my coworker first, her name is Mayra. Mayra and I had many talks before but none like this. I finally let my guard down. I told her the reason why I refuse to hang out with her and some of her friends. I finally told her that I'm anti-social. Not anti-social to the point where I get nervous whenever new people try to talk to me or that I refuse to engage in a conversation with others. I just don't like to meet new people. I feel like I can't be myself around them. They don't know my past, therefore they won't understand my actions and why I'm against certain things. That I'm too conservative or too boring, when I'm neither one of those things. I'll admit, I do tend to come off as a good girl, when I refuse to party or be apart of a group that feeds off attention by others unknown but that is because I don't like to be the center of attention. When you put yourself out there you're giving people more of the right to judge you. When you surround yourself with a certain group daily, yourself and the group becomes one. You're no longer being judge as your own person. You are the group and the group is you. I want to be my own person. If they means being "the good girl" then so be it. The thing that shocked me the most about our conversation is that Mayra stated that she too is anti-social and that is why she stick to her group, mostly Matthew because he is known to be anti-social as well. She told me that is how he became one of her best friends. They figured if both didn't like to be around people then they should only surround themselves with each other, this way they are never alone. I couldn't do anything but shake my head in admiration. Then she invited me to be anti-social along with them. I laughed but am strongly considering it.

Moving onto the talk with my Aunt. Her name is Sarah. She is the one that lives with us at age 30. Yes, that is the one I cuss in a previous blog post. Do I feel bad or want to apologize? No. At the time I was upset about a comment she made about my niece. Therefore, I expressed how I felt about her presence here. Don't get me wrong, I don't love her any less. We're family and family fight. What matter the most is the love. If anything, I probably love her a lot more after last night's conversation. We talked about everything. From the evil Aunt that lives downstairs (her older sister), to the love for our mother and how we will always love her no matter what she does. How much she has changed, and she has, tremendously. How my grandfather (her father) was chasing the "American dream" and failing miserably. I also talked about how the rich get rich and what steps need to be taken if we want to achieve that goal. At the end of our conversations she said she was inspired by me. Words can not describe how wonderful that made me feel.

D-R-A-K-E on HOT97!

2009-04-18T20:41:00.004-04:00

I almost forgot about this blog...Haha, not really. I've just been really busy. I can't even tell you what I've been busy doing because it seems like nothing when I think about it. Not a lot of things going at the moment. Actually some thing huge happened this weekend...DRIZZY DRAKE WAS AT HOT 97!!! Yes you heard right. The same yellow boy who use to play up on Degrassi embraced my city with his presence this weekend. I wasn't able to listen live but of course when I got home I searched the net for the interviews. Of course I didn't have to look hard nor long because everyone had the interview on their page, he even did a freestyle on Flex...I just finished downloading it. Straight fire. Hopefully we get to hear that on a full length song because he killed it.

I feel like a proud mother whenever I talk about Drake and how far he has come. I've been an avid listener for years. 5 years to be more exact. I remember when I found his myspace page and listened to the song "Rewind" over and over again. I remember when the song "City Is Mine" was just a freestyle and he made it into a full length song. I remember the full length song came out and people on his page went crazy. I remember telling people about him and they would flat out laugh. Now they listen and feel his songs and when I tell where he is from they are all like "No. Really?!". Then they would go back and listen to some of his older stuff, music I was trying to force them to listen to and they are like "This kid is nice" And in my head I'm saying "Silly mother fuckers, I know" Haha. And if you didn't catch on to that last line, it's a line from his song "Say What's Real". I can continue to go on about how much talent Drake has. How I've been supporting him since day one and how extremely hot he is but I won't. Like i said I'll really praise him when he drops his first official album.

Crazy that dude hasn't even dropped an official album or an official single and people are blowing him up! Again, so proud of him. So proud of him.

In conclusion I'll leave you all with the freestyle he did with Flex Friday.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/58761860abb425d3/

"I was taught to never like a chick. Only love the moments"-Drake

How true is that last quote?!

Also to turn away from the main focus of the post, today at work HE comes up to me and say "Everyone is saying we would make a cute couple" and then he kept repeating it. Hmmmmm......what does that mean!?

"Best I Ever Had" cover

2009-04-15T14:32:00.003-04:00

So I was youtubing Drake a couple of minutes ago and this was the first video that popped up. This guy is flipping awesome. Maybe he should do the remix, haha.

"Best I Ever Had" Remix Ft. Busta

2009-04-14T14:49:00.005-04:00

Busta sucks on this track. But it's a good look for Drake because he out shined a vet, haha.

Listen to the track. Feel free to download it too.

Drake Ft. Busta Rhymes "Best I Ever Had" remix

Fuck You Mean?

2009-04-10T20:36:00.004-04:00

"What is she still doing here?"

What do you mean? I have a question. What the fuck are you STILL doing here? 30 years old and you're still living with your parents. People have a lot of fucking nerves. If her presence bothers you than go lock yourself in the bedroom. You don't need to be around her. My niece can be anywhere I'm at.

My Thoughts

2009-04-09T21:29:00.003-04:00

I have no idea where I'm going with this post and I'm not going to try to sit here and dwell on it. I'm in the process of learning about myself, realizing my good habits from my bad habits. If I push myself how far will I go? What kind of people I want to surround myself around or do I want to surround myself around people at all? Hopefully with all the adding and subtracting I'll finally get a sum. But back to my habits. I'm learning about them, studying them and what I have come up with is that I think too hard. When I think about certain things too hard, I tend to lose my train of thought. My mind either drifts away or I can't find the exact words, even though there are tons of words in the dictionary. Then it becomes "hurry and finish this shit up" rather than "take your time and get all your feelings out". I put pressure on myself when it comes to writing because I want it to be the best piece of writing anyone has ever came across, but when I finally do finish my writing I'm not happy with it. Instead of being relief, I feel overwhelmed because my feelings didn't translate onto the piece of paper. I know I have potential to be a good writer, if not good than great yet again I always second guess myself. I think it's because I don't approach writing the correct way. I over think things and then when I go back to read it those words aren't expressing my feelings at all. I accomplish nothing. So I vow to work on my writing. To not over think and second guess myself. Type exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. No backspacing. I feel strongly about writing and I want to show that. I want everyone to know I have a gift and the ability to write how I feel and it will be the greatest piece you'll ever come across. I promise.

New eye candy

2009-04-08T16:11:00.004-04:00

Mhmm, very, very sexy.

A word from Summer

2009-04-08T15:29:00.003-04:00

"We can accept the fact that we can't worry about what we can't control"

-Summer Roberts from the O.C

Last night's episode of 90210

2009-04-08T10:07:00.003-04:00

As always usually around 9 o'clock, you can catch me starting at my television screen, watching my favorite show, 90210. If you're not into the show for whatever reason, you might want to reconsider your decision; seeing how last night episode rocked on so many levels! It picked up where it left off last week, Silver making a video about love, throwing in a clip of her and Dixon getting it on without Dixon knowing. And of course he was upset about it.

Last night's episode got to the bottom of Silver's weird behaviour. Of course Dixon thought she was being a drama queen so he came off as annoyed. But there was some thing serious going on with her and he realized that during the train track scene. Oh my god, Jessica Stroup owned that scene, I swear. When it come to television shows the acting isn't always that great, especially when they're doing emotional scenes but she rocked it! Tears were falling. I kid you not. I was drawn in, hanging onto her every word, feeling everything she was feeling at that moment and it was just ughh, I can't explain it. Just a terrific performance by Jessica.

Amazed.

2009-04-07T20:25:00.003-04:00

I was down by Union Square sunday with Him and they were having this fair where artists came out and showed off their work, in hopes to even sale a few of their masterpieces. There were a lot of great work out there and I admire each and every artist for their courage. Though there were a lot of pieces I adore, I mostly favored the "subway photograph" It literally took my breath away. Fucking amazing. Oh how I wished I would've asked for the artist name. It definitely put a smile on my face for most of the night...and of course he did too.

Just A Piece.

2009-04-07T20:05:00.005-04:00

Sitting here at the dining room table, with a one liter of pepsi in front of me as while as a half empty plastic cup filled with some of the pepsi, I watch as my little cousin play with first niece. Keeping an extra close eye in their direction to decide whether or not my cousin is playing to rough for the fragile 16 months old toddler. Though nothing can be too rough for her considering she often puts herself in great danger when she decides to climb up on our windowsill. Brave. I've never seen such a little person with a big heart.

Guess whose back....back again....

2009-04-07T19:51:00.004-04:00

Welcome back Em. You've been missed. And I see you are doing what you do best. Can't wait until the album drops, for now keep coming out with bangers and hilarious videos such as this to remind us not all is lost when it comes to hip hop.

"Every Girl" video

2009-04-07T15:09:00.003-04:00

It's finally out! Jesus, took long enough. Honestly for it to be such a hot song I expected more from the video. Really didn't interest me at all. Drake killed it though. Enjoy!

I'm So High....

2009-04-05T23:54:00.002-04:00

High off life that is. Today has been a great day, thank you to a certain somebody. I'll explain soon.

Also Today my baby sister turned 17! Yes, 17 folks. Man time does fly!

Again great day, unfortunately I have to return to work tomorrow and engage in a conversation I don't give two shits about.

Goodnight all.

Reality.

2009-04-03T19:31:00.003-04:00

I need to get out of this place. Stress is in full effect, clouding my mind with fucked up thoughts. I'm living in my reality, a reality I am not too fond of. A reality where a smile is hard to come by. A reality where things start to spin and you're too dizzy to focus. A reality where you're breathing slowly, grasping for air as the four walls begin to inch closer to each other. A reality where there is no such thing as spring nor summer, no sun perhaps. Oh how I hate reality.

Fuck everyone.

Hmm, Maybe.

2009-04-01T22:22:00.003-04:00

Could podcasting be some thing in the future for my blog? Maybe. I've been recording and deleting all day. I'm really taking a liking of having a podcast on my blog. The only problem is I'm not completely sure how to upload the audio.

So I'm going to do a little more research. A little more playing around. We'll see what happens.

Also in other news, I finally finished reading "48 Laws of Power". I know, it took me forever right? The next book I am going to tackle is "Flowers in the Attic" I think I'm the only females who has not read that book yet. I approach many people about the book and I received nothing but good comments. I really hope it is as good as everyone says it is.

Jesus christ, it is hot in this room. I'm probably extra hot considering I have an extra body next to me right now. HI NYLA!

I think I'm going to call it a night. Kind of excited about going to work tomorrow. I'm sure you all know why.

Playin' myself

2009-04-01T12:12:00.002-04:00

Instead of doing laundry, which really needs to get done. I'm here lying in bed. I'm so lazy on my days off, it's not even funny. I think I should join a gym, some thing productive to get my day started.

Hmmm...... We'll see.

So confused.

2009-03-31T14:31:00.005-04:00

Can't seem to get you out of my mind. You have clouded my thoughts for the past 2 days. I'm excited about what may be but also wary. I don't know what your intentions are therefore I can't plan out my actions. I no longer hold the torch. Please guide me with your light.

Washed UP!

2009-03-29T23:06:00.001-04:00

Damn. Sad to see how wash up Lindsay Lohan is. Can't believe I use to call this girl my sister...Don't ask.

I give up.

2009-03-29T20:50:00.004-04:00

It's funny how guys often call girls complicated. While since "dating" I've come to the conclusion that guys are just as complicated. Jesus christ, no one knows what they want anymore.

....I'll explain the situation one day.

Expected.

2009-03-27T22:56:00.002-04:00

Of course when I am exciting about going out, he bails...didn't even call. Fucking asshole.

I Can Relate...

2009-03-27T20:48:00.004-04:00

I haven't been keeping up with television shows as of late but for some reason I have gravitated towards Making The Band 4. I watched episode of this season when it aired on tv but slacked off. Then one day I was watching a clip of Que and Dawn talking about their sex life with a radio host. "Aww" is the first thing that came to mind because I seriously heart this couple. I decided to go to mtv.com to see what was the status of Danity Kane since their break up and what's going on with Day 26. I'm sure you all have heard that Danity Kane broke up and there isn't much hope of the group reuniting. The only members that remain are Dawn and Andrea. Which is fine by me considering they are my favorites. To hell with the rest. As I'm on the the 2nd to 3rd episode the showcase that Que and the rest of his band mates aren't getting along. You'd see him getting into a fight with Robert then he is going at Will and then Bryan. It seems as if any and everything can trigger a fight, like missing in action at the studio or not willing to practice when the whole group is ready to practice. Little, senseless, unimportant, things can cause the an altercation. I'm sure everyone is looking at their television like "what the fuck is going on with Que and his crazy ass". As I watched the episode I listened to Que's tone of voice as his band mates talked to him. Extremely defensive. I watched his body language and noticed how isolated he was as well how easily he was provoked by others comments. Old feelings begin to surface.

I'm the second oldest of 2 sisters and a brother. Though I was older than two of my siblings, I'm wasn't the strongest in weight wise. My little sister (who I called my little big sister) had a good 50 pounds over me, lmao. Of course I am exaggerating...Sort of lol. Okay, I don't the exact number but she was bigger than me. A lot bigger.... And my brother is well a boy. He wasn't your average young boy though, dude had a six pack when he was 10 lmao, I kid you not. I wouldn't say I was picked on by the two of them in particular but other people would often comment about them beating my ass because I was smaller and that didn't sit with me too well. Even my oldest sister would make fun of me getting "punked" by my younger siblings. I couldn't fathom the idea of those two having physical power of me so I had to prove to them and everyone else who thought that my little sister and brother could beat me, actually couldn't beat me up at all. Every little argument we got into I'll always try my hardest to shout over them...making it into something bigger then what it was intended to be. I'll even throw in some cuss words, hoping that it would intimidate them. When breaking up the fights, I'll slam the door and punch walls. I'll get in their face and press up on them like they were someone in the street, ready to throw down with them. There was even a time my brother and I got into a physical fight in the play ground. Ha, good thing my grandfather never found out about that one because we probably would have gotten the beating of our life. But yeah as I was saying, they couldn't talk to me in any kind of way because then I'll get heated and feel as if they were trying to disrespect me or in Que's words "play me". I had to prove to people that I was tough. Don't let my size fool you. This was an on going situation and I found myself saying that I hated them. I hated them so much. They didn't respect me therefore I didn't want to deal with them. I'll roll my eyes when they were around me. I didn't participate in anything they were involved in. They would talk to me and I'll either response with "I don't care", "so" or wouldn't say anything at all. Because I felt if they said something I didn't like I'll instantly blow up at them, so it would best if I didn't say anything at all. Boy was there tension in the house. We couldn't even look at each other without there being a problem. Correction, they couldn't look at me without there being a problem. The feelings weren't neutral. It was only one way. I'm the one who had a problem. I'm the one who felt there were ill feelings. I'm the one who isolated myself. I'm the one who had to deal with the hate and the envy. But I didn't care. I didn't like feeling inferior to my younger siblings and so I couldn't enjoy being an older sister. I couldn't help them with their homework when they asked. I wouldn't play with them when they wanted me to. I'll often side with friends whenever their was a problem, (though I've always fought their battles. No if, ands, or buts.). They didn't exist to me. I truly felt like I hated them.

I look back now and laugh out loud but inside there is no laughter just shame. How could I ever feel that way towards my brother and sister. I'm not sure when our relationship changed or how it changed but it changed. Not only do I love them to death but I have a great appreciation for them. I value their existence and can not picture life without them. Maybe it was a faze I was dealing with. Some sort of sibling rivalry.

And I think that's what Que is dealing with as well, that and being a guy. We all know how guys are with their pride. Try to shoot that down and they are ready to kill you. I want to add in my opinion about what I think the best solution is for Que's problem but I don't have a clue as to what he should do. Therapy, perhaps? lmao

Cuteness

2009-03-21T21:22:00.003-04:00

Frustrated

2009-03-20T22:49:00.003-04:00

Fucking A, why is it so hard to find a pair of nice looking black high top sneakers? My feet grew out of nowhere so all my footwear are too small, expect for my uggs which are DONE! and my pradas which I can't wear every day. Everything else is too fucking small on my feet. It's such an inconvenience when I'm trying to get ready because I can't throw anything on, I have to make sure it looks okay with my footwear. I have to actually pull out a couple of outfits and match them up with my sneakers and if I don't like the way they look then I'll take it off and try something else on! So annoying! Considering I'm the "get up and go" kind of girl. Anyway before I went to work this morning, I had my mind set on purchasing me 3 pair of sneakers. I had 4 different stores to choose from. The first store I went into had some nice sneakers but not exactly what I was looking for. It was already set in my mind to purchase a pair of all black high tops. High tops because it's still semi cold outside and I need to keep my feet warm since my uggs are like dead. Seriously, you should see those! Disgusting! Anyway of course all they had were these bright ass colors. Appropriate for the spring, I guess. The guy kept suggesting certain shit but he had a heavy chinese accent so I couldn't make out what he was saying, I just kept shaking my head and smiling, pretending that I knew what he was talking about. Anyway he then walks up to me with a pair of all black shocks. There weren't high top but they weren't low either and I've been dying for another pair of shocks. So I tried them on and of course they didn't fucking fit! He then tried to show me some all black converses but I passed. I still had 3 other stores to check. I wasn't going to settle just yet.

The next store was a couple of stores from the pervious one. I walk in, completely dead. I stand around for about 2 minutes and walk right out. Everything was ugly. 2 more stores to go. I walk up a couple of blocks and head into Macys. There were a pair of coach sneakers I was eyeing for months. I walk down to the shoe department, look over at the coach section and they didn't have the sneakers I was looking for. I look around for a couple of more minutes, hoping something else would catch my eye but nothing. Fail. I throw on my earphones and head out to the next store. The next store was Foot Action. They're a sneaker store, so off the bat you would think that they had a wide variety. Nope! They didn't have shit in there. That store is so unappealing. Clothes hanging off the rack, everything out of order, dirt everywhere. Not well kept at all. That alone would make a person want to turn around and walk out. But I stayed, waiting for an employee to come over and greet me, the proper way. Instead I got "DOES ANYWAY NEED SOME HELP" from across the sneaker store. Unprofessional. And then some bird ass little girl walked into the store and kept staring at me, like she had something to fucking say. So I just stood there 2 extra minutes, waiting. Nada. What is it with girls and the need to stare at you? Do they think they're intimidating? Am I suppose to somewhat be afraid of a girl that's half my size in my own hood? Fuck out of here. Girls. Hate them.

At the end of the day I came home with nothing. 30 minutes in the street wasted. This is why I much rather purchase my things over the Internet.

Keri Hilson is theee BITCH!

2009-03-19T20:12:00.002-04:00

I've recently downloaded the full version featuring Keisha Cole and Trina. The song is definitely fire! I haven't enjoyed a club song this much since.....I don't know when. Keri is doing her thing. I'm going to make sure I support her this Tuesday when her album drops! You should do the same!

Funny shit!

2009-03-19T18:53:00.002-04:00

Here is a little conversation I had with a co-worker of mine name Luke. I found it hilarious!

ME: You want to know what I noticed Luke?

Luke: What? That I never took you out?

ME: Yeah, no. That every time I'm around you I'm tired.

Luke: So does that mean we should sleep together?

LMFAO oh how I just love this boy! And today is his birthday. So happy birthday Luke. I know you're going to get drunk out of your mind. Enjoy!

A Good Read

2009-03-17T15:57:00.001-04:00

READ IT

Makes me laugh

2009-03-15T21:04:00.004-04:00

Haha! Too bad she didn't find it as funny. Come on Nay, where is your sense of humor! Love you mucho sister!

Let it Out

2009-03-13T21:43:00.003-04:00

I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest but my mind is so active at the moment I can't bring myself to sit down and dwell on just one situation. Usually I'll try to break down my thoughts onto a piece of paper and take it from there but lately I haven't had any alone time in the office. And in the office is where I do my best thinking. Hopefully I'll be able to clear my thoughts tomorrow and have something to write about when I get home.

Until then, O!

Breaking The Silence

A Piece Of My Mind

Distance Feeling

Beautiful

As I Think Back

It's that time of the year again.

Damn

......

What It Feels Like

Congrats to Shanay and Meka!

Home is where the heart isn't.

Don't Get it

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I've Got Some Issues

Rest in peace

What's the deal...

Goodbye to you

And here I go

Douche Bag YEEZY!!

Random Something

I Wasn't Expecting

And so...

"Fame is a drug" so dope!

"Successful" video

Summer is over!

Around the world and back

BACKKKK!!

Everything I'm not

New Beginning

"Best I Ever Had" VIDEO!

I need

Everything I'm not./Oneka's piece

R.I.P MICHAEL JACKSON

Quick Rant

Slacker

Quote Before Bed (QBB)

Just Because...

Mary J calling Drake a SAVIOR!

Word has it...

Drake's Verse is HOT

Phone post #2

Nasty, icky feelings

I Don't Know.

OH EM GEE

Another Great Night

inspiration Found!

inspiration needed.

Oh Brother...

*throws up a little in my mouth*

Megan Fox is a nutcase..AND THE COOLEST CHICK EVER!

I'm BACKKK

failure

Connection

QBB # 3

I love you mommy

Quote Before Bed (QBB)

Drake doing the stinky leg

Read My Mind

Life Is A Drag

Quote Before Bed (QBB)

Thank You God

Blogging from my phone BITCHES!

Random shots

American Eagle loves ME!!!!!!

Ummm stop stalking me.

Cassie Steele's new music video

What?

Feels Good....

On My Grind pt 2

On My Grind pt 1

I'm so broke

Good Talks. Better Understandings.

D-R-A-K-E on HOT97!

"Best I Ever Had" cover

"Best I Ever Had" Remix Ft. Busta

Fuck You Mean?

My Thoughts

New eye candy

A word from Summer

Last night's episode of 90210

throws up a little in my mouth