As I Think Back

As I think back

I wonder if I should regret more

I wonder if lessons were ever learned

and if I'm actually moving forward

As I think back

I wonder how I got here

I wonder about my past

and if I should try to remember more

As I think back

I wonder how my life have changed

I wonder about my happiness

And if I am proud of myself

As I think back

I wonder what I've could've done

I wonder how I avoided certain situations

And If I'm content with my decision.

It's that time of the year again.

It's that time of the year again, I refer to it as my happy time.

But this time of year, I'm not feeling too peachy.

I wouldn't say that the spirit is ruined but when you have a lot of other things on your mind, it can get sort of hard trying to remain happy 24/7.

Though I haven't been writing in my blog, my thoughts are currently in my cell phone, expressing almost everything and everyone I feel uncomfortable about.

I started calling them chapters in my life. So far I'm up to chapter 6 and I'm working on chapter 7 and 8. I'm not too sure if I'm willing to share that though, a lot of it should remain personal.

A lot of things I want to write about should remain personal, especially since people know about my blog.

I know, I know, they aren't sitting by their computer waiting for me to update but still, knowing that people have came across this, read my thoughts is a little more than scary.

But then again this is my blog. For awhile I even considered this my home.

I should be comfortable in my own house. Well that is not the case anymore.

Damn

Who can you trust if you can't trust your family? People are beginning to show their true colors or maybe they have been I've just been too oblivious to notice it.

I see now and I see clearly.

I'm fed up and I just don't want to care anymore.

I so badly just want to go off right now and it's not the time.

Not yet anyway.

......

As of right now my life is at a stand still.

Don't worry, I'm in the process of moving pretty soon.

What It Feels Like

Yesterday I went to take my test to attend school in January. When I stepped into the building I felt a familiar vibe. I watch as the college students pass by and thought to myself, I've seen these people before. I briefly listen in on their conversations and know I've heard this before. I walked to an area where lots of students were seated at, some there to pass time until their next class, other taking their lunch breaks. Sitting at a table, that some feet were propped up on.

I stood there observing.

I watched as one group thought they were cooler than the other groups.

I watched young men walk pass a group of girls, trying to get their attention.

I watched a group of girls walk by with scarfs on their head, indicating that they were having a bad hair done.

I felt as if I've been here before.

Feels like high school all over again.

And a big FUCK YOU for that.

Congrats to Shanay and Meka!

Why am I congratulating these two? Well because as of last Friday these two love birds got engaged!

And I couldn't be happier! I believe that I'm more excited about it then Shanay is, considering I told just about everyone. If I wasn't at work, tears would had fallen...I kid you not. Hearing about an engagement makes my heart feel at ease. Why? Because it means that love still does exists. That people still believe in spending the rest of their lives with that one person. That they cherish their significant other and appreciate what they have build together and willing to build some more. That there someone for everyone.

Sounds like a fairy tale huh?

I'm not naive. I know to get where they are now, they had to go through their ups and downs, just like every couple. Some ups are awesome and you feel like you're on cloud 9 and the downs can be so extreme that it makes you want to kill yourself.

But what is important to me is that the ups ALWAYS outweigh the downs and that there is more good times, then there is bad. That you're working to keep you two together because you both want it!

You've built a foundation so strong that only the two of you can destroy it.....together.

I can get into a lot more but I won't because then it won't be about Shanay and Meka anymore, it'll be more about my feelings towards my darling. I'm not too sure you guys are ready for that just yet. lol.

So again congrats guys! Nay you're winning at this game called life!

We need this. Our family need this. '09 has definitely been a tough year for us, we need hope.

Thank you guys for giving us that.

Thank you guys for making me believe again.

I wish you two nothing but the best.

Home is where the heart isn't.

Ever since I was born I had to share a room with someone. At one point we were even sharing beds. Hey, what can I say? Times were rough.

But at this point, I can finally admit that I am tired of sharing.

I'm tired of being interrupted every time I'm in the bathroom. I'm tired of my bedroom door being banged on when it's closed. I'm tired of my personal things being taken without my permission. I'm tired of the other side of the room looking like a complete mess. I'm tired of having to hide my food. I'm tired of having to clean my dishes and everyone else's too.

I want to be able to get on my computer and watch tv at the same time. I want to be able to blast my music as loud as I want. I want to be able to put my food down for a couple of minutes and it remains there the next day. I want to be able to take a 2 hour shower without anyone banging on the door, rushing me to hurry up. Most importantly I want to achieve complete silence. I often need that peace in my mind for a couple of hours. Unfortunately that is difficult when you're living with 6 other people.

As of late, I've been noticing how limited my privacy is. Actually I've been noticing how limited everyone in this house privacy is.

The thing is, I don't think it bothers them as much as it bothers me.

I try not to complain about my living situation because my grandparents has done a lot for us. Putting this amazing roof over our head is one but I am getting older. I am becoming my own person. I am growing. I need room to grow. I need space to progress.

Unfortunately this household is no longer giving me the nourishment's. I might as well be a plant in a closet.

...yeah you see where I'm going with this.

At times it feels like I'm only here to rest my head then I'm up and out the next morning.

It's gotten so bad that my bed doesn't feel the same anymore.

These walls. Well these wall were my best friends. I would often cry to these walls. Punch these walls to release all my frustration. All my built up anger would reflect on these walls. Lately, as I touch them I quickly pull away. Their so cold.

My walls doesn't feel the same anymore.

My home doesn't feel the same anymore.

My heart isn't here anymore.

But like I stated a week or so in my blog, I can't sit here and complain about my living situation. I am my own person. I know what is best for me. My mistakes will be my own fault and I will celebrate my own accomplishments.

I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.