What It Feels Like

Yesterday I went to take my test to attend school in January. When I stepped into the building I felt a familiar vibe. I watch as the college students pass by and thought to myself, I've seen these people before. I briefly listen in on their conversations and know I've heard this before. I walked to an area where lots of students were seated at, some there to pass time until their next class, other taking their lunch breaks. Sitting at a table, that some feet were propped up on.

I stood there observing.

I watched as one group thought they were cooler than the other groups.

I watched young men walk pass a group of girls, trying to get their attention.

I watched a group of girls walk by with scarfs on their head, indicating that they were having a bad hair done.

I felt as if I've been here before.

Feels like high school all over again.

And a big FUCK YOU for that.

Congrats to Shanay and Meka!

Why am I congratulating these two? Well because as of last Friday these two love birds got engaged!

And I couldn't be happier! I believe that I'm more excited about it then Shanay is, considering I told just about everyone. If I wasn't at work, tears would had fallen...I kid you not. Hearing about an engagement makes my heart feel at ease. Why? Because it means that love still does exists. That people still believe in spending the rest of their lives with that one person. That they cherish their significant other and appreciate what they have build together and willing to build some more. That there someone for everyone.

Sounds like a fairy tale huh?

I'm not naive. I know to get where they are now, they had to go through their ups and downs, just like every couple. Some ups are awesome and you feel like you're on cloud 9 and the downs can be so extreme that it makes you want to kill yourself.

But what is important to me is that the ups ALWAYS outweigh the downs and that there is more good times, then there is bad. That you're working to keep you two together because you both want it!

You've built a foundation so strong that only the two of you can destroy it.....together.

I can get into a lot more but I won't because then it won't be about Shanay and Meka anymore, it'll be more about my feelings towards my darling. I'm not too sure you guys are ready for that just yet. lol.

So again congrats guys! Nay you're winning at this game called life!

We need this. Our family need this. '09 has definitely been a tough year for us, we need hope.

Thank you guys for giving us that.

Thank you guys for making me believe again.

I wish you two nothing but the best.

Home is where the heart isn't.

Ever since I was born I had to share a room with someone. At one point we were even sharing beds. Hey, what can I say? Times were rough.

But at this point, I can finally admit that I am tired of sharing.

I'm tired of being interrupted every time I'm in the bathroom. I'm tired of my bedroom door being banged on when it's closed. I'm tired of my personal things being taken without my permission. I'm tired of the other side of the room looking like a complete mess. I'm tired of having to hide my food. I'm tired of having to clean my dishes and everyone else's too.

I want to be able to get on my computer and watch tv at the same time. I want to be able to blast my music as loud as I want. I want to be able to put my food down for a couple of minutes and it remains there the next day. I want to be able to take a 2 hour shower without anyone banging on the door, rushing me to hurry up. Most importantly I want to achieve complete silence. I often need that peace in my mind for a couple of hours. Unfortunately that is difficult when you're living with 6 other people.

As of late, I've been noticing how limited my privacy is. Actually I've been noticing how limited everyone in this house privacy is.

The thing is, I don't think it bothers them as much as it bothers me.

I try not to complain about my living situation because my grandparents has done a lot for us. Putting this amazing roof over our head is one but I am getting older. I am becoming my own person. I am growing. I need room to grow. I need space to progress.

Unfortunately this household is no longer giving me the nourishment's. I might as well be a plant in a closet.

...yeah you see where I'm going with this.

At times it feels like I'm only here to rest my head then I'm up and out the next morning.

It's gotten so bad that my bed doesn't feel the same anymore.

These walls. Well these wall were my best friends. I would often cry to these walls. Punch these walls to release all my frustration. All my built up anger would reflect on these walls. Lately, as I touch them I quickly pull away. Their so cold.

My walls doesn't feel the same anymore.

My home doesn't feel the same anymore.

My heart isn't here anymore.

But like I stated a week or so in my blog, I can't sit here and complain about my living situation. I am my own person. I know what is best for me. My mistakes will be my own fault and I will celebrate my own accomplishments.

I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.

Don't Get it

Why are you constantly making me feel this way?

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I thought when death occurs, it is suppose to make you feel closer to the people around you. Death happened and I never felt so disconnected from the people around me. I honestly don't understand why I'm feeling the way I am.

Yes he was my uncle but I wasn't close to him.

He was married into the family.

And to be completely honest, not too many people took a liken to him.

But for some reason his death is bothering me and I wish I can pin point exactly why. I'm annoyed at everyone, I even snapped at a couple of people today...though I do feel like someone has to tell them about themselves, it wasn't the right time especially since we had company over but it is all build up frustration and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Besides, if people feel like they can talk to you however they want to, especially in front of company I think that it is only right that you let them know, don't let your ego get the best of you. You're not going to talk to me however you want to.

I'm always polite to people. Always. I rarely tell people to shut up and mean it. I don't boss people around. I believe I deserve that respect. Talk to me. Don't yell at me. I'm not your kid. I'm not mommy. I'm not going to put up with your bullshit. I don't feel sorry for you. You can cry a river about all the problems you're having but you're not doing anything about it, you won't get any pity from me.

Stop thinking people owe you anything. They don't owe you a damn thing especially if you're not doing anything to deserve it. You're not a little boy anymore. Grow the fuck up. If you do not like your living situation then do something about it. Make plans to go away to college, look for an apartment, save for an apartment. If you hate that you don't have a room of your own then do some thing about it. Stop sitting here bitching and moaning and feeling sorry for yourself. Stop trying to make your problem everyone's problem.

FUCK!

I'm so upset and I'm not sure why I'm letting this get to me. I'm stuck.

I'm stuck between taking care of myself and taking care of my family.

I've Got Some Issues

]

"The moon will illuminate my room and soon I'm consumed by my doom"

Rest in peace

Tonight another family member has passed away. My uncle Steve. May he rest in peace. May peace be given to his wife, my aunt, my grandmother's sister heart. I know she is broken right now.

Death. So much of it is going around lately.